Lost and Insecure

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“Two assassination attempts in just as many weeks and I’m still here. Either this says something for the Imperials who were hired to kill me, or it says something for my body guard. Guards.  I can’t begin to figure out what might have attributed to my survival. The first one was a man who attempted to get to me through my good will and faith that he meant no ill intent.  That almost ended badly for me as he left and if I hadn’t caught the currents through the force, I’d have been dead on that ledge. It was only through a small amount of luck and a large heap of the force did I manage to survive that. I just got to hang out on a cliff wall for about an hour or so as he attempted to locate me or my body on the rocks below. From that angle however, it was a beautiful vista…” She trails off and sounds only vaguely amused before proceeding on the same train of thought. “The second was subverted by Neirov and the Sith who warned me that all was not as it seemed. This time I had two snipers sent after me.”

The sound of rustling cloth, as if she was shifting in her seat, the soft clink ice in a glass can be heard, a gentle swallowing soon after.

“Neirov is in a mood and puts himself in solitude. Again. Just because my brother bested him in combat. It’s just simple sparring, nobodies honor was at stake, for Bogans sake. It wasn’t any different when we sparred and I bested him as well. So now he feels like he can’t watch me correctly. “Caer shifted in her seat and took a moment to collect her thoughts. After a time she spoke. “I also find myself caring for him.”

A soft sigh, it sounds like it’s a tired kind of sigh. The kind of exhalation of air that gives the indication that it was an admittance that she would have rather kept behind her teeth. “Why him? All our lives I’ve fought along side him with my brother. All our lives we were taught that to have feelings for one another was wrong, a trip to the dark side. But I’ve not found anything like that of the sort. I love my brother deeply, he’s my brother. And I have yet to sling lightning or choke someone. And now… I find myself looking to Neirov and wondering.”

Again a silence descended.  The soft sounds of liquid filling a glass and then the ice as it hit the side of the glass. Fingernails drummed on a flat surface, the staccato sound filling the silence for a moment.

“There’s so much that weigh on my mind. With Neirov, it’s the wonder of if I’m actually falling for someone I’ve known my entire life or if it’s the infatuation, the romance of the idea that I can fall in love with someone without falling to some horrible dark side fairy tale that the Jedi scared us with. I wonder if the position I have now as Ambassador was really worth all the sacrifice I see in my life. I feel like I’m losing so much in the name of republic. ” Caer got up and paced the floor of the office, the footsteps heard clicking on the floor, six left, turn, six right, turn.

“I’m losing my brother to an addiction I should have stopped three years ago. When I found out how long he’d been using, I had never felt such crushing disappointment. Never felt like the breath had been sucked out of me so hard before. I don’t think he even realizes how horribly hurt I was.” More steps and a pause.

“I feel like I can’t trust anyone anymore.  I can’t trust Neirov but yet I find myself drawn to him. I can’t trust Nia, her loyalties are questionable to anyone but herself. I can’t even be sure I trust my own brother not to lie to me.” The last was said with the tone of pain, as if it physically hurt her to speak the words.

The sound of a throat clearing, there was an exceedingly long pause. “That’s just my personal life. I cannot even trust those that the Republic sent to help me here. I have not seen the 7th in some days and those of the Marran… I question their intent on Voss. I sense that many of them would slit throats over nothing.  Bringing mentally unbalanced Padawans to Voss? Ridiculously irresponsible. One can barely control her mouth and it took all the self training I had and Janos being present not to slap the painfully stupid out of her.  The other one so skittish she nearly looked minutes from wetting herself at any given moment.”

“People seem to think Jedi have it easy. I suppose in many ways we do. We’re given shelter as younglings, fed healthy and good food. We’re given a bed to sleep in, an education to fill our brains.  Given a teacher, a master to care for us and act as surrogate parents. But we’re not given true life experience. We’re not given the experience of knowing what it’s like to sleep in a street, the experience to understand the emotions we’re told to put away. I told Nia that I didn’t envy, that was a dark side trait. But I do … feel a bit saddened that for all our training, all our educations, warm meals, and safety, we’re not given life experience until much, much later.”

A somewhat heavy sound of someone sitting in a comfortable chair. “But I do what I can to help make others comfortable.  It’s my hope that we can get the Sith off Voss, make the Voss see just what damage the Sith can inflict and hopefully get them to side with us. It’d be one more step to winning this war. I just pray I don’t lose everything I have in order to get it.”

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Education of a new form.

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I’m completely awake and I can’t discern why. I’m restless, I feel like something is happening and I can’t figure it out. I kind of feel like there’s something that needs  to be said or done.

I have not seen Neirov in some time. The last time I did catch him around was only a few days ago and we went on a mission. We had to take out some radio towers and it took all our concentrated effort, including Dalkens.  We made it but not without some injuries.

I have no idea why I’m talking about any of this. It’s so pointless. It’s not important really. I want to talk about the friendships I seemed to have accumulated and that make me happy. Yes, Jedi can have friends, without them we would hardly be Jedi.

It’s strange. That these friendships I have forged have been from the oddest places.

First there’s Tomuraan. He’s a wonderful friend who I confess, I care about him. He’s wise, a good Master Jedi and we share the same views that many others argue or say we are wrong. Tom has this way about him that is charismatic. I have not met many Mirialans who are friendly and so open with their advice. Tom has been the one who has helped me make some decisions that I think I wouldn’t have made otherwise. He’s there to talk to me and be a shoulder and an ear when I need to sort out problems I feel that I can’t go to my brother to; and  certainly can’t go to anyone else with them.

Then there’s Niatara, she’s the fun sort of friend that lets me live vicariously through her. She can be the trouble making woman and I can observe and smile fondly. She has been there for us numerous times and I confess I sometimes find myself very un-jedi like being somewhat jealous of her lax and carefree nature. I know what my duty is, I need to be what I am so she can continue to be that carefree being. She makes me smile and laugh, always telling me how she’s going to corrupt me.

Then there’s others like Tlu. Such an odd Twi’lek girl. So unique and I find her knowledge of the galaxy, her ability to be so streetwise fascinating. I find it so …humbling that a girl- a young girl can have such a knowledge to keep her alive and capable that I do not possess. I often feel schooled by her and the others in how wise they are to the places and things I have not and likely will not ever experience.  She had a shock that I am hoping to help her through. She is strong and I hope she will make the right decisions. I admit, I was a bit confused by her gestures, but I accepted them as friendship.

These friends…humbling, educating and wonderful. I can wield a saber, fight and talk with diplomats and envoys and Council members. I can speak at length in peace with Sith who I would cut down in a field of battle, I am educated in so many things and yet, among all these beings? I feel so ignorant.

I want to learn more about these things. I know the Council will already frown on this, and at this point I feel that knowing my surroundings, comprehending the things I am to defend will bring a perspective I may be missing. I think Raiyden may approve, or at least I think he will.

In other news, I am slowly figuring out what I need to do with Rulan. She is, I think, slowly starting to relax around us and realize we’re not stiff and stuffy Jedi. I am hoping to break her out of her shell a bit. She did well on a recent outing with Raiyden and I, and it was nice to see her smile.

I just hope this progress continues.

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