It’s do or die.

The moments leading up to this had been peaceful. Calming and relaxing. I had brought Vaulk into my mind as easily as I could bring Raiyden or Tomuraan. We had spent time together and he’d been a good distraction for me. I knew the storm was close and I just wanted to see him one more time before all of this. 

The darkness engulfs me as completely as a burial shroud. Even my innate force sense of sight cannot penetrate this darkness. It batters my very core, shaking me, stripping me away to bare nothing.  Everything I knew is gone.  Everything I had become is painfully stripped away, layer by layer; experience by experience and I am stricken to my very core.

The cliff side erodes inch by inch and as I dig my heels into the rocky ground, I summon up every bit of will power to fight this storm. The world is crumbling around me and I witness everything I have ever been had ever hoped to become shredded by the screaming air as it tears my little world apart. 

Am I dying? Is this what dying feels like?  

Just one more time before I go
I’ll let you know
That all this time I’ve been afraid
Wouldn’t let it show
Nobody can save me now, no
Nobody can save me now

I hear the voices now. They’re screaming at me. The voices of the countless people I’ve killed. Whether I felt they deserved it or not. Whether someone else arbitrarily decided they needed to die for their world views. Every man, woman and child I let die because I didn’t make it in time or I couldn’t save them- the need of the many outweighing the needs of the few.

They whisper “…why” 

…”I hate you! you didn’t save us!” 

…. “you deserve everything that happens to you…” 

…”Rot in hell.” 

…” you are a shame to your order!” 

…”Sick. You’re sick…”

Every word is like a blow, physical and painful. A fist to the gut, knife to the back or a brutal kick to the face. It’s torture and it nearly drives me to my knees, but I manage. I manage to stagger forward and push my will forward.  it’s everything I can do to stay on my feet, but I try. 

The screaming intensifies, the words become harsher. Calling me names and accusing me of things I’d never done. The words continue to hurt. to tear at my very soul. I feel them chipping away at my essence, putting chinks in the armor that I have tried to build myself up with. The cracks start to widen, becoming gaps that I can’t protect or even try to turn away from these knife like words that bury deep into me.

Stars are only visible in darkness
Fear is ever-changing and evolving
And I, I feel poison inside
But I, I feel so alive

 

I am terrified. I can’t stop this. Why can’t I stop this?  Why can’t I will this to leave me! I am lost in this storm and I can’t find my way out. There’s no way out and I’m clawing, tearing at everything around me. Shredding the voices and the feelings and the negative emotions. The memories of things i buried deep down inside of my mind. Things I never wanted to remember but I’m forced to. It’s laid bare before me and I tear it apart. 

The past is shredded. My fights with Raiyden, my nights with Tomuraan, my joys, my sorrows. My moments in the sun and my dark nights that defined me as a person. Every memory, every experience is torn away from me in this maelstrom of my mind. It’s all I can do to try and hold on, keep myself together as much as I can. 

I’m so tired. So tired and scared and alone. I want Raiyden. I want Tomuraan, Vaulk, Neirov.  I want my companions and friends with me. I need them to back me up and keep me safe and sane. 

But I’m alone. So utterly, completely and inexplicably alone. The darkness is so complete and I can’t struggle. I’m tired. So damned tired and scared.

Nobody can save you now
The king is crowned
It’s do or die
Nobody can save me now
The only sound
Is the battle cry
Is the battle cry
Is the battle cry
Nobody can save me now
It’s do or die…

Just make it stop. Make it stop. Someone save me.

“Save yourself.” 

The words pierce me like a thousand needles. How I imagine burning skin would feel if suddenly doused in water. It hurts and it almost drops me completely. I just want to lay down right there and let go. I just want…so much…to let go. 

“Get up and save yourself, you worthless prat.”

The words infuriate me. They make me angry and I want to slap the smug son of a bitch who said that. But i have no hands. I have no body to do anything with.  But the words, they make me rage and I scream with a broken voice to back off. I am worth something. I always have been and I always will be. 

I’m good at what I did. I wasn’t at fault for all those people I couldn’t save. Everyone I did save though is what matters. I saved my friends, my family countless times and there is no doubt in my heart, my mind that I have done the best I could do given any of the circumstances I had to face. 

I raise my fists, i raise my voice and I scream into that maelstrom and i defy it. I dare it to destroy me. I goad it into trying to tear me apart. 

I fight. 

I do what I have always been taught to do. To fight for others and now I fight for myself. 

Just one more time before I go
I’ll let you know
That all this time I’ve been afraid
Wouldn’t let it show
Nobody can save me now, no
Nobody can save me now
Truth of my convictions pour through me. 
The light descends on me and everything is bright. I’m helpless as I’m pulled away. Pulled inside out and twisted and torn. Then I am put together again. Made whole.
 
My world explodes and I am consumed.
 
Stars are only visible in darkness
Fear is ever-changing and evolving
And I, I feel poison inside
But I, I feel so alive
 
 

 

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