Is it worth saving me?

I figured out some things. 

How to function better here in my little mind scape better than i was doing before. Tom and Raiyden helped me out a little as well as Nago. I still have no idea who Nago is, but he’s willing to help and that’s something I could use right now. The power of my imagination is almost limitless here. If I’ve seen it, I can make it appear. I just have to know the details, the way things were as I remember them. 

I think that’s why I imagined the beach first. Because I love the beach and the oceans. Glee Anselm is one of my favorite memories. The warm air, and the warmer water along with the smell of the salty breeze. It was so soothing. Especially after all the nightmares we’d been living through back then. The time I spent with Tomuraan was pretty special.

Now, I have managed to find my way up this cliff side. It took Raiydens help to find the way up, but we did it. I miss my brother so much and my heart aches every time I see him; but at the same time I am so happy to finally get a chance to hear his voice. He talks to me about what’s going on out there, how things are going.  It’s strange to hear someone talk about you like you’re not there. But I’m not. I’m here, stuck in this twilight zone of … this. This quasi-existence. 

Prison gates won’t open up for me
On these hands and knees I’m crawlin’
Oh, I reach for you

Well I’m terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can’t hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I’m callin’
And all I scream for you
Hurry I’m fallin’, I’m fallin’

Vaulk came to visit. I think I wanted him to come, to see me. To talk to me and keep me entertained. We didn’t say much, just walked quietly along the beach up the path and to the small house I’ve made for myself. There really wasn’t much to talk about, mostly small talk about the girls and how things were going in the outside world.  It was good to see him though, to hear his voice and to just sit in silence while the storm moved ever closer. It’s almost always dark now, almost always a perpetual darkness that can’t seem to go away and I can’t help but be scared by it. 

I hear whispers in the storm. I can’t quite make out what they say, but I can hear the hissing and cracking of words. Like dead leaves scraping on a window. The kind of sound that makes me want to hide under the blankets and cover my ears. Like I used to when I was a child and we’d get those awful storms on Tython. I’m afraid of what the whispers say, even more afraid of what the storm will bring.

I just want to hide. I’ve tried to will the storm away and it just continues ever onward, moving closer and closer. I can’t even go to the beach now because the waves are too high. It’s completely obliterated the small lean-to I had and I can hear the waves crash against the cliff wall; a never ending background noise I fall asleep to every night.

Some part of me wonders if I really want to live. It I should just let go. I’ve caused so much hurt out there and I’m scared to go back out there and know that I could possibly hurt more. Tom and I spoke at length about all the things that happened and that we’ve always come back stronger and more resilient than before. That we could do good and have to have faith in people around me. Faith in Ashla and Bogan. 

have faith. I know I do. When I left the other I discovered that my people had a deep rooted ideal of believing in a god and goddess. I fell into that religion with a fervor. My god and goddess are as much as part of my life as Raiyden is. Or Tom. Even Arten or Neirov. The people I love with my whole being. If my goddess or god asked me to sacrifice myself for the good of my people, i would do so without hesitation, without question and with every fiber of my being would I throw myself wholly into the way of whatever threatened the Miraluka people. 

Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show you what I can be
And say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth saving me

Now I’m faced with this choice. Do I let go or do I stand and face the storm? Do I come back and deal with what the fates have dealt me? Become something better than what I was previous to this? I used to make these decisions for not only myself but for others. I used to be able to make choices for people who would lay their lives down for me as much as I would for them and here I am, unable to decide if I want to let go of my own life to move on to whatever awaits me in whatever afterlife my creators have deemed me worthy of or if I want to remain and come back to the place where I left off, pick up the pieces and move on. To move past the bitterness,the hurt and the anger that I’ve felt manifest in me over the past few months. 

Am i worth the effort? Like I told Tomuraan, I was so focused on worrying about what other people thought of me. Worried about what people who really didn’t affect me one way or another thought about me. That I wanted people to care about me when they didn’t need to or have to and I let that bitterness get to me. Those people I tried hard to get to notice me, notice that I was capable and willing to help out. Those who didn’t really didn’t care. When I had people like Raiyden, Xaishen, Tom and Jallira to worry about me. To care whether I lived or died. I know they do and I know that it’s because of them that I’m here and clinging to a ghost of a life that in the end, is ultimately up to me as to whether or not I go back to them or if I move onto the next life. 

They are what matter most. They are what I would choose to live for. Not anyone else. There is a fine line between duty and loyalty. I messed that up. I blurred the lines and i ultimately ended up feeling betrayed by people who had no ill intent. They were just on a different side of the line than I thought they ought to be. 

Heaven’s gates won’t open up for me
With these broken wings I’m fallin’
And all I see is you

These city walls ain’t got no love for me
I’m on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And all I scream for you
Come please I’m callin’

And all I need from you
Hurry I’m fallin’, I’m fallin’

More peals of thunder and crack of lightning. I jump with each crack and I try to build the walls up around that much more. But the storm will come. I’ll have to face this head on and I’ll have to raise my fist in defiance or I’ll have to bend and break under the gale force winds. 

Say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth saving me

 

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