Shatter Me.

I see them, standing there each wearing expressions that range from stony and stoic to heart broken and doing their best to hide it. I can see all of them there in this tiny room, nobody saying a word, but the emotions that they are conveying through posture and through expression is enough to feel like they were speaking all at once.

I want to reach out and touch them. Some part of me wants to reach out to those closest to me and just be as reassuring as possible. I was never really good at being very reassuring; one of my many faults that I seem to have cling to me like so many scars.

Voices, quiet and murmuring. Conversation that is on the edge of my hearing. I strain to hear the words, my very being trying to pull closer without being obvious about it; It’s Vaulk and Xaishen speaking and their words are almost inaudible. I try to edge closer, however Vaulk enters the room and I immediately take up my position again and try not to look like I was obviously eaves dropping.

Vaulk looks so tense and is closely followed behind an even more tense looking Xaishen. Xai bends over and whispers something quietly in Raiydens ear and my brother grimaces. He lowered his head and nodded to something.

I wish I could hear them. I wish I could move closer but I feel so rooted to the spot. Like I’m pinned down and unable to reach out to them. Especially my brother. His face, it looks so forlorn and as if he were a little more than lost.

“Raiyden…” My voice is a whisper in a wind, snatched away and shunted off into the dark room. I’m confused now and I don’t know why he isn’t responding to me.

Vaulk looks at me, those gorgeous yellow eyes I can’t help but look at. I open my mouth to speak but I realize he’s not looking at me, he’s looking through me. My mouth slowly closes and my chest aches a bit. Those eyes look cold, frightening. Sith. The kind of Sith I would normally put down for looking at me that way. The kind of look that makes your teeth grit, your muscles tighten and your fingers curl into fists.

He looks away and excuses himself, brushing past me. Xaishen and Tomuraan follow a short time later. Leaving me alone with Raiyden sitting next to an empty bed. My confusion just seems to grow as I see him looking at that bed and then putting a hand to his face, the stubble of his chin rubbing roughly over healers hands.

Again I find myself rooted to this spot, trapped in a tiny bubble. Every time i try to move, to call out it sounds hollow, empty…discordant. It hurts my ears and rings down into the very core of me. Making me want to double over. My head and arms ache. My chest is on fire. The room around me flickers and goes on the fritz, like a bad and corrupted holo-file.

Then it snaps back and I see the room for what it really is; an illusion shattered. Vaulks place, I recognize the room as my own. My effects there, my holo journal and the other assorted clothing I hadn’t yet had a chance to pack away.

Then I see the bed. A lump of flesh lays there, a head rests on the pillow, my pillow. The face a unrecognizable lump of bruises, dried blood and a pulped nose. Swollen lips slightly parted to let out rattling gasps of air- uneven and halted. A handless arm rests on their side, the cybernetics stripped and laid bare for the world to see. The other arm in a held position by a plasti-cast.

I realize what it is. Who it is. My throat catches and I try to reach out, but I’m held back. My voice tries to cry out and I am silenced. My heart breaks knowing I am the cause of these peoples hurt and worry. 

I can’t remember, I can’t remember what happened to me or why I’m like that.

Raiyden pulls a small case from his side, I recognize its shape and what it is immediately. My synth violin! He pulls it open and oh so gently pulls out the instrument and it’s bow. He cradles it under his chin and I see him inhale deeply, playing a soft warm up of scales. His fingers, those delicate, long and life giving fingers touch the strings and grip the bow gently, as if he’s afraid of shattering the instrument.

Then the tune begins. I hear it. It’s not muffled as if played through a bubble. I -feel- it.

I pirouette in the dark
I see the stars through me
Tired mechanical heart
Beats until the song disappears

So haunting, so genuine. The emotions my brother displays on his face, flowing through the world around him through song. He’s always been so good at conveying his moods through our music.He could say a million things with any instrument in his hand and the violin sings an opera of hurt and worry. The feeling of being so alone. 

His fingers dance across the strings like they have a will of their own- maybe they do. The hand drawing the bow is like watching water flow. His expression is one of sorrowful concentration and I feel my own emotions start to come alive. 

I -hurt- for him. Oh gods I hurt for him so much. I want to rush to his side, tell him everything will be okay that things will right itself. Because it always rights itself.  As long as we are together it will always right itself and we’ll come back stronger.  I’m scared. I’m scared by the passion in which he plays. The melody caressing my very soul as if begging it to come back to him.

Somebody shine a light
I’m frozen by the fear in me
Somebody make me feel alive
And shatter me
So cut me from the line
Dizzy, spinning endlessly
Somebody make me feel alive
And shatter me!

I can’t help but bring my hands up and start to mimic his movements. Each stroke, each finger movement, each little nuance of the way the body moves as one plays their heart out. I can hear the music double. I can hear us play in tandem. Our melody joins like our souls are joined and we play. 

We play for one another, the ghost and her brother. I realize now everything. I am not here. Not really. My body lays there, broken, battered and shattered. Maybe beyond repair. I have no voice, no way to reach out to those who are trying to fix this broken shell. 

I am a ghost. I’m clinging to the last vestiges of my body and maybe it’s the sheer will of my brother that keeps me here. I look at the shape on the bed and that isn’t me. That isn’t a warriors body. That isn’t my body…. 

So I play. I imagine the bow in my hand, the violin beneath my chin and I play silently with my brother. I play my very soul out. I want him to feel me here! I want him to feel that I am still here and I won’t go anywhere. Not without him. Not without my Souls Mirror. We made a promise. We made a promise when we were children that one couldn’t leave without another.

Shatter me
Somebody make me feel alive
And shatter me!

If only the clockwork could speak
I wouldn’t be so alone
We burn every magnet and spring
And spiral into the unknown

I watch as Tom and Vaulk stand at the doorway, Xaishen off over to the right of Toms shoulder, listening. I can see them trying to give their silent support of my brother. 

We play. We play and I sense no time passing. I sense no changing of the day into night or the night into day. Raiyden plays. He plays the song I love so much hoping that I hear him. 

I hear you brother. I hear you and I want to tell you that I hear you and I play along side you. I know you can’t hear me, but I can hear you.  The music reverberates through me, that little shred of life still clinging, 

If i break the glass, then I’ll have to fly
There’s no one to catch me if I take a dive
I’m scared of changing, the days stay the same
The world is spinning but only in vain

He stops. After a while Raiyden stops. His hands tremble as he puts away the violin back in its case. He is exhausted and I see Xaishen move to his side,hurrying to raise him up and lead him out of the room, I can see by my brothers posture he protests and tries to stop Xaishen. But even Tom steps in and helps to lead him out. 

It’s just Vaulk now. I watch as he moves to take my brothers chair and with all his usual stoic grace he sits and folds his hands in his lap. I’m so used to that posture. Working for him this long? I know more about him than I think he realizes. He’s tense, but somehow still managed to look as if he wasn’t concerned. 

Was he concerned? Or was he angry that someone had taken an asset of his and rendered it useless?

I’m pulled away suddenly. With a violent force that I have never recognized before. I feel my spirit dive and tumble like so much water down a rocky waterfall. I cry out with a silenced voice, ghostly hands strike out to try and grasp onto something. 

Then it stops. I stop. The darkness around me is absolute and I wonder for a moment…am I truly dead now? Is this what it’s like? Darkness?

“No child. No.” The voice reverberates to the very core of me. The voice of my Mother. The Mother. I nearly weep in relief. ” You’re not dead…” 

“Yet.” The second voice is a baritone and rich voice. Solid and steady like the very earth itself. The voice of The Father. 

I lift my head up and try to see them. I feel strong hands pull me up and cradle me like a frightened child and I suddenly realize, I am a frightened child. “What is happening, Father?” 

“You’re dying, Child.” His words shoot through me like an arrow to my soul. 

The darkness consumed me and I was falling into darkness.

Ashla and Bogans voice faded from  my ears with these words, “Fly or fall. The choice is yours.” 

I tumble, scared and feeling as if all control has been ripped from me. The sound of violins reach my ears. But so far away. 

Play Raiyden. Play please… 

If I break the glass, then I’ll have to fly
There’s no one to catch me if I take a dive
I’m scared of changing, the days stay the same
The world is spinning but only in vain
(Hold me)

Somebody shine a light
I’m frozen by the fear in me
Somebody make me feel alive
And shatter me
So cut me from the line
Dizzy, spinning endlessly
Somebody make me feel alive
And shatter me!

Shatter me
Somebody make me feel alive
And shatter me!

-Shatter Me Lindsey Stirling and Izzy

 

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s