Nothing left to say.

Who knows how long
I’ve been awake now?
The shadows on my wall don’t sleep
They keep calling me
Beckoning…
Who knows what’s right?
The lines keep getting thinner
My age has never made me wise
But I keep pushing on and on and on and on

 

A letter sits by Raiydens bedside- how it got there without him or Xaishen waking is anyones guess.

Raiyden-

I hurt you a lot I know I did and I know that you’re wounded by my actions. By telling you that I don’t need you.. that’s the worst thing I think I’ve ever said to you. I know that .. my actions what I said over comms the day before… hurt you too. I’ve done a whole bunch of hurting and made a fine mess of things. Or as a friend of mine once put it, “way to cock up the job, Caer”.

It’s not something I can justify. I said some pretty awful things over comms and I can’t make excuses. I can’t say I wasn’t in the right frame of mind or that I was under some sort of duress. I was pushed too far and instead of disengaging I let people bait me and I boiled over. My fault for taking the bait like the idiot I am.  What can I say? I’m not a terribly bright person when it comes to not stating my opinion.

There’s nothing left to say now… 
I’m giving up, giving up, hey hey, giving up now… 
There’s nothing left to say now… 
I’m giving up, giving up, hey hey, giving up now… 

What happened? I made a comment about not being particularly impressed by the strip dances. I mean really, I’ve seen it all before at Vaulks place when I helped there  for some time. I watched over girls who did that professionally and I stopped being embarrassed by the idea of stripping for money about my third day into that job. Hell, I even got up on the stage a time or two when a girl couldn’t do the job and someone needed to fill in. So yes, I have stripped and was paid for it. Not that anybody but you and Vaulk will ever know this.

Anyways Kanth heard my comment and made a joke about me liking women but not being willing to fess up to it. I wish I could figure out what set me off with that particular comment, but it did. I just … lost it and began a tirade that I am very very ashamed of. Everything I ever wanted to NOT say just slipped through my teeth. I felt like I was spitting needles. Things just got worse from there and inevitably it all ended up boiling over and I had a melt down.

I’m ashamed. I truly am. I know that I need to take responsibility for my actions and I will. I can’t foist this off on anyone else and I wouldn’t. I won’t take the blame for someone else and I certainly can’t expect anyone else to take the blame for my actions. I don’t know how to begin making reparations and I am at a total loss as to how I can even begin to explain my feelings, brother.

Below my soul
I feel an engine
Collapsing as it sees the pain
If I could only shut it out

I am sorry. I am so sorry. I know these words are meaningless with how deeply I have hurt you and my heart aches. It aches so badly Raiyden to know that I have cut you so deeply and so cruelly. I never meant to and I wish I could take back that hour of my life- not because I know I lost many peoples respect; but because I cut you to the bone with my words worse than what I could ever do with a saber.

I owe you the explanation- not the excuse. Something happened so long ago that it should mean nothing now. I feel I owe this explanation to your face and if you’ll have me, I will speak to you… explain to you.

It’s fear brother. I have always been afraid of what I don’t understand and I don’t want to understand. It’s so hard for me to come to grips with emotions I don’t ever want.  I am so afraid of giving in to things I can’t comprehend and the thought of it makes me want to run, to hide and beg for mercy… for a reprieve.

I’ve come too far
To see the end now
Even if my way is wrong
I keep pushing on and on and on and on

So badly do I want to forget the memories. I want to ask someone to make me forget that night so many years ago. So much I want to forget. Hapa, Anubis, the whole nightmare on Voss. So many of these things have messed with my head and I want them torn from my mind. Maybe then I can be a better person. Something you and everyone else can be proud of.  Someone I could be proud of. I don’t feel proud and my actions have spoken louder than any words or promises I could make.

I can’t face Ihrath or Alasha. I can’t face Jallira.

Most of all I can’t face you.

I keep falling, I keep falling down…
I keep falling, I keep falling down…
Hey!
I keep falling, I keep falling down…
I keep falling, I keep falling down…
If you could only save me
I’m drowning in the waters of my soul

I will do anything I can to fix this mistake. Do anything I can to avoid this in the future. I need help. I need help understanding what it is that is so wrong with me and make it better.

I’m sorry Raiyden. I’m sorry I am so damaged and my damage has hurt you too. I don’t ask forgiveness. I just ask for understanding.

Caer Estherian.

There’s nothing left to say now… 
I’m giving up, giving up, hey hey, giving up now… 
There’s nothing left to say now… 
I’m giving up, giving up, hey hey, giving up now… 

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