And we run.

It burns into your heart, the darkness that you fear.
You were never free, and you never realized.
And love, is a word you’ve never heard.
Your heart ain’t cold cause it burns,the desire to leave the mire.

 

She hated this dream. She hated it because it was the reminder of everything that she couldn’t come to terms with and what made it worse was that it felt like this time around the scar that usually stayed hidden had been peeled back, poked and prodded and then sewn back up with dirty needles and thread. It was raw and throbbing, oozing with infection and pain. The itch, burning and sickness radiated through her body into her soul like an infection that threatened to turn gangrenous.

She stumbled through the dreamscape,  her feet tripping over things in the dark that even her sight couldn’t penetrate.  The cold was absolute and her body trembled with fatigue and cold. She just wanted someplace warm and safe; just needed to rest for a second or two. This war was weighing so heavily on her and she was so blasted tired, couldn’t she catch a break just for a moment?  The cold blasted into her face and it made the aching wound hurt all the more.

Take your breath ’til nothing’s left.
Scars of life upon your chest.
And I know wherever it goes

And we run, with a lonely heart
And we run, for this killing love
And we run, ’till the heavens above
Yeah we run, running in the dark
And we run, ’till we fall apart
And we run, ’till the heavens above

The scene shifted as it always seemed to and some part of her sleeping mind knew it was coming. This was the part where the pain began to shift to dread.  Warm hands cupped her neck from behind her, sending electric shivers down her shoulders and spine.  The skin touching hers spread a warmth down to the pit of her stomach, leaving the pins and needles sensation of sleeping skin coming alive.  Fear lanced deeply into her gut as those warm hands slid from her neck to her shoulders and down her arms, to clasp her hands, locking them in place.  The body that pressed against her back was the body of a warrior who was long used to battle. Firm, strong and so achingly close.

“Where have you been my little, dark dove?” The voice spoke with a soft lilt, some accent that Caer couldn’t recognize and in this dream had long since forgotten.  The hand moved from hers to turn her slowly and to caress the Miralukas cheek. Caer shuddered and tried to recoil, but her body wouldn’t obey, her stomach doing lazy flip-flops as a thumb brushed against her lips. “So cold, come let me warm you up.”

Caer fought to protest, a thousand ways to say no welled up in her mind and she tried to move them past her teeth, to give voice to the fears that were bubbling up in her like a fountain. Yet she found herself being led off by the woman who she had considered a friend and a confidant. Her name, Caer recalled was Tahapenes.

Tahapanes was a tall woman, with long black hair that almost had blue high-lights. Her golden colored skin almost shone in a metallic way and her eyes were a pale liquid blue that seemed almost eerily unnatural.   So many found her beautiful and on the battlefield, in the middle of a war between the Sith and the Jedi, beautiful things were so few and far between.  Men and women alike would have given their life to spend ten minutes with the woman and yet Hapa had ignored them all. Ignored them all for Caer.

Don’t blink, you’ll miss it.
Lift up your head.
I’ve gotta get gone.
Yeah, I’m outta here.
Don’t blink, you’ll miss it.
Lift up your head.
Too late, I’m gone.
Yeah, I’m outta here.

“Come.” The words were almost a command from Hapa and Caer fought to disobey- yet this dream while old- always stayed the same. The young woman obeyed that commanding voice. Even as Hapa pushed Caer into the room and shut the door, Caer fought to disobey and make her body do anything other than what it’d done a thousand times before.  Caer was pushed to the bed and she gave a startled cry as her legs went out from under her and Hapa pressed her against the soft bed after peeling off the filthy mud and snow caked Knights cloak. “We need to warm you up, little Dove.”

Hapa slid her hands over the buckles and straps that made up the bulk of Caers standard issue armor, long fingers unsnapping and unlatching things with a fluid ease that was startling. Even in this dream scape Caer was unnerved by how quickly Hapa unbuckled her chest plate and then slid her hand down to start working on the latches of her leggings unbuckling them just as quickly and setting the plates aside..

Hapa smiled  as the armor fell away to reveal the body suit that everyone wore on the field.  Caer on the other hand lay stiffly on the bed as the woman straddled the young Miraluka and bent to brush her lips against Caers. It sent a jolt of fear down Caers spine, fear and something else- she couldn’t put her finger on it.

There is no passion, there is serenity…“Hapa…Nn-”

The golden-skinned woman pressed her body against Caers and kissed her again, this time more firmly, cutting off any protest that the young MIraluka might have even tried to voice. Hapas lips pushing against Caers cold and chapped lips, making them ache and sting.  Her heart hammered in her chest and she wanted to shove the woman off. But her mind and body were frozen, a solid block of fear.

That fear only deepened as Hapa trailed a hand down Caers cheek and over a breast cupping it.  She hated this part of the dream- the helpless unable to move when all she wanted to do was scream and grow violent and break this womans neck and run back into the cold, numbing night.  The worst though, was the at feeling of longing. The feeling that this damned woman stirred deep, deep down inside. The feeling that threatened to push aside the sickness and fear.

I’ma break these chains, run through the rain.
Never look back, never quit- work through the pain.
This blood in my veins run cold
When I think it’ll never be the same
But I never lose hope.

This is fear I’ve never feared so much.
Don’t get involved make the hate rise up.
Give my life before I ever give up
This ain’t right, you lost all my trust.

Caer lay there and let what happened next happen. She couldn’t stop it- she couldn’t stop it then and in this nightmare there was no way she couldn’t stop it now in this hellish place of her mind.  Her body betrayed her at every turn as Hapa caressed her breasts, slid down over her belly and between her thighs. It was as if some devilish part of her reveled in making her feel like this. Some perversion of the natural order of things keeping her from protesting or maybe it was the lips that were firmly pressed against hers, barely allowing her a breath let alone a word of protest.

She gave little whimpers and her body bucked to try and dislodge Hapa, but it only seemed to encourage the older woman. The hand between her thighs soon turned into a knee prying her legs apart and deft fingers unzipped the inner lining, slipping inside.  The sensations that followed were wrong and yet so right in every way.  Fingers found places that Caer had never thought possible.  Her body trembled and shivered, finally releasing after what seemed like an eternity.

 

And it feels so marvelous
Just take my hand and run.

And we run, with a lonely heart
And we run, for this killing love
And we run, ’till the heavens above
Yeah we run, running in the dark
And we run, ’till we fall apart
And we run, ’till the heavens above

Caer jerked awake, blankets clutched in her hands and pressed against her mouth to stifle the scream that threatened to spill from between her teeth, the stink of fear and sweat permeating throughout the room she shared with nobody.  She gagged on the bile that rose in her throat and struggled to force her to heave her guts right there on her blankets and lap.

Her legs tangled in the blankets as she fought to get out of bed and to the fresher in time to throw up. Slamming her knee on her foot locker as she nearly stumbled to the ground, she had to clamp her mouth shut with her hands to keep from spewing on the floor. Her body heaving just as she made it to the toilet and spilled her guts into the bowl; the smell of fresh water soon drowned out by the smell of vomit.  Racked with heaves, she let it roll through her until she was sure her body was finished and then rested her head against the rim of the toilet seat for a few moments, letting it cool her forehead and calm her frayed nerves.

“Why do you hate?” That voice came unbidden in her mind, conjuring up those  eyes that seemed to peer out from under a cowl. 

“Because I want to hate it. I want to loathe it… want to fear it. I want to take everything I feel so confused about and shove it away,  make it dead. Bury it and make it go away someplace I never want to visit again.” She whispered to the empty space around her.

That was how she had wanted to answer him. That was how she had wanted to just come clean.  Goddess she hated Empaths. Bloody Empaths always knowing how a person felt before they did. The way they unburied and poked at things that were better left covered in dirt.

“You have to face this. Deal with it or it will eat at you. Hate leads to the darkness. You know this.” 

Of course Caer knew. She knew better than anyone just what the darkness could do to people. She hunted people like that- those who let their fear and anger consume them.

Getting to her feet, she dressed quickly and dug out her duffle pack. Quickly stuffing various items in it, she zipped it shut and clipped her saber and twin blades to her waist.

She ran.

And we run, with a lonely heart
And we run, for this killing love
And we long for a heavenly heart

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