They disgust me. All of them.
They taint the galaxy with their sickness, spreading it like a disease. How can anyone enjoy being homosexual and think it’s natural? How can anyone sleep with someone of their own gender and think “this is okay”? It makes my skin crawl to think I’m surrounded by them and they seem to agree that it’s perfectly fine to vocalize it. To flaunt it and that they think its hilarious to try and spread their sickness to others.
I only accept my brother and Xaishen because they are family. I only accept Raiyden because we are twins and because I love him. I tolerate it because he IS my brother. IT doesn’t mean I have to tolerate it or accept it in others.
Facing that? Facing myself as some sick twisted perversion? I can’t accept that. I can’t accept being something so twisted and wrong that I would even consider such a thing. But the things that… mirror me said..
That I would like it? I should consider it? That deep down, way way down inside that I would enjoy sleeping with another woman. That the other me thinks that it’s okay?
The freak deserved to die. It felt good to destroy her and make sure she can’t taint anyone else. Even if she wasn’t real, it felt good to just take that false creature and utterly destroy her.
I think the worst thing to deal with after all that was all the stares and comments. Dealing with Raiyden trying to rationalize me. Tom trying to help me. I just really wanted left the hell alone.
As it is, Raiyden actually said something that made me want to slap the ever-loving hell out of him. He cornered me and told me that I should try it. That I should actually give it a shot. I wanted to clock him into next week. I was physically ill at the thought that he would even consider saying that to me- out loud and to my face.
Yeah, that’s not happening. I’d rather gut myself with my own blades than even consider doing anything intimate with another woman.
At least one bright spot out of that nightmare was that I got to kill my own doppelganger.
In other news I think my training with the Archon is going well. He says it is anyways. I try not to bother him and if anything I try to take it upon myself to learn what I think I need to learn about being a part of the Marran. I’m slowly learning to grasp how to use the Flames and while it’s a process I feel like I need to be learning this on my own- I hate bothering people and I hate feeling like I should know this already but don’t. The Archon says it takes time, but I know I could be of more use if I actually had a clue how to use the Flames already.
I met an interesting person. A Garhoon named Ther’ak (I think he’s not related to the Archon- not sure… haven’t really asked). I like him. He’s straight forward and doesn’t beat around the bush. He gets to the point and sometimes says things that need saying. Though sometimes his meanings come across as confusing and amusing. Kanth had to correct him a few times and I admit, once the initial shock wore off I was quietly laughing. Alasha had to convince me that he wasn’t going to eat me, but once that was over I think we got along well- fighter to fighter. He apparently wants to take me hunting later on. I’m intrigued to see what happens and if he’s a good hunter. I think I like the fact I actually have something in common with someone. He’s a warrior and I think he enjoys a good fight like I do. I’m a fighter first and foremost and I live for a good fight, I enjoy the feel of my adrenaline coursing through my veins. Give me a good fight and I’m alive. I am looking forward to this hunt he’s proposed- we leave tomorrow.
Jallira I don’t think understands my sense of humor. I have a rather warped sens of humor and listening to her talk about her sentient couch being destroyed and the Wookiee responsible for selling Alti the couch just tickled me like nothing else. She’s so fun to tease and I don’t mean anything by it. She’s really like the sister I always wanted. How I had hoped Lyrae’a could have been. I feel protective of her just like I do Raiyden. It probably drives her nuts but I can’t help it.
I need to get ready to leave for this hunt. Not sure how things are going to go, but with any luck I’ll be able to get a better perspective on this person and find out more about the Garhoon, maybe ask things I don’t necessarily feel comfortable asking Alasha or Ihlrath.