A little bit of clarity.

I have discovered that I am not good with people.  Or rather I am not very good with the whole keeping brutally honest opinions to myself and it lands me in a heap of trouble more often than not. Take tonight for example: I basically told Oz that he needs to pull his head out of his ass and stop being a douche canoe. That he needed to cut Jallira some slack.  I might have gotten a bit snarly but the kid needs to stop being treated with baby gloves. I admit, I chewed him out over comms, I gave him what for, but I do not feel bad for what I said- I only feel bad for losing my temper over comms.

I just loathe the idea of trusting someone who can’t even make decisions for themselves. It’s like I told Arbiter Alasha that I don’t trust him. I can’t bring myself to trust someone like Oz who would rather go AWOL than make a decision. I’ve lead too many good people and seen many more die because of people like that. People who can’t hack it need to be removed and put in safer types of jobs.  Jobs that don’t rely up on someone like that who can’t make their own decisions. I’m sure deep down he’s a nice guy who just needs a bit of direction, but they have to want that direction.

Speaking of Jallira I screwed up. I had hoped to draw her out a bit and hopefully try to get to know her better, maybe even get her to laugh some. I made the comment of having a girls night out- someplace safe and someplace with people that I trusted and knew enough to know that she’d not be harassed or teased. It had a several purposes really- to introduce Sylverwin and Dyme as well as try to get to know Lanela better and maybe try and get Jallira to relax a little.  It went over in an unexpected way to be honest. I hadn’t expected her to snap at me or basically say I was trying to bully or force my ideas or desires down her throat. It wasn’t what I was trying to do.

So, lesson learned. Raiyden is her foster and I should leave them to it- he can do whatever he wants that makes her happy and I’m just going to stop trying to be friends with her.

I kind of wonder if I”m a little jealous of Raiydens relationship with her. I made a huge mistake in asking the Archon to teach me and while I’ve read as many things as I can about the Marran and all the exploits as well as whatever history I didn’t fall asleep through, I don’t see the Archon much at all and the past few times I have actually come in contact was when I had my freak out and then the follow-up ‘lets make sure it doesn’t happen again’ sort of talk and the last visit was with me explaining what was going on with Alderaan and some people I know there. You know, stuff I used to deal with at the Order. Kind of left me nostalgic. Anyways, I’ve done all i can to read, study and try to follow along.

I did thoroughly enjoy my time with Arbiter Alasha and Tom tonight learning about the Flames and what they can or can’t do. The lesson I think was vastly more important person to person than I got from the holocron and other bits of information. Arbiter Alasha was willing to give us a demonstration that left Tom and I with a lot to think about. I don’t think I’m quite ready to try my hand at them yet… I’m not sure I can feel righteous fury..and I’m pretty sure ‘kick them in the dick with goodness and light’ counts as righteous.

Getting to know Lanela though… that’s been fun. Real fun. We have so much in common that it’s pretty scary to realize she’s actually an Estherian. Not just in looks but also in attitude and in desire to do the right thing. Hearing her story and just how far she’s come has been a great thing to listen to and mirrors a lot of what my brother and I went through. She has a twin sister and well I have Raiyden. Her sister however is a lot like Lyrae’a was, though I’m not sure Lanelas sister is as crazy as Lyrae’a.  Least I hope not… Lanela is also seeing a really great guy, Droden. I guess he saved her when she was little and they just met back up again after being apart for almost fifteen years.  Droden and Lanela are good people, good to hang around and I hope to get to know them better as time goes on.

I asked if she and Droden would help us with the problem on Alderaan. She didn’t wince, she didn’t hem or haw, she didn’t even look shocked I would even ask… she just offered to help and so did Droden. No hesitation.  Neither of them don’t know what’s going on other than what I told them…and both just bam- volunteered.

Speaking of Alderaan… Kheniaths brother, Argus was taken by Imperials posing as a gang.  Apparently they’re going around and ganking the houses on Alderaan that are supporting the Republic and making it look like gangs are responsible. Kheni showed up one night busted all to hell- his cybernetics were  a mess and I think he was bleeding from just about everywhere. Told us that Argus was taken but the kids were all safe. It’s kind of strange to hear Kheni sound so concerned; but really don’t mess with that guys family. It just never ends well. The Syndicate found that out the hard way- they’re all dead now.

Well… most of them. The few we know of we let live because they’ve been useful. So far.

Point is, we now have to find Argus. Which means that we’re going to have to go back to Alderaan, find someone who knows something about all this and then interrogate the bejeezus out of them to get a general direction. Xaishen is looking forward to the interrogation I think just a tad too much. However, I can’t blame him, the Trinsets have done a hell of a lot for us and we owe them a lot for what they have done for us.

Sylverwin showed up and we’ve been talking a lot. Spending a lot of time together and I honestly didn’t think I could like her as much as I do. She’s a lot like me, tough, independent and has no issue telling people when they’re being raging douche canoes. I think that’s why we hated each other at first. But now… things are different. I like it.

 

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Nothing left to say.

Who knows how long
I’ve been awake now?
The shadows on my wall don’t sleep
They keep calling me
Beckoning…
Who knows what’s right?
The lines keep getting thinner
My age has never made me wise
But I keep pushing on and on and on and on

 

A letter sits by Raiydens bedside- how it got there without him or Xaishen waking is anyones guess.

Raiyden-

I hurt you a lot I know I did and I know that you’re wounded by my actions. By telling you that I don’t need you.. that’s the worst thing I think I’ve ever said to you. I know that .. my actions what I said over comms the day before… hurt you too. I’ve done a whole bunch of hurting and made a fine mess of things. Or as a friend of mine once put it, “way to cock up the job, Caer”.

It’s not something I can justify. I said some pretty awful things over comms and I can’t make excuses. I can’t say I wasn’t in the right frame of mind or that I was under some sort of duress. I was pushed too far and instead of disengaging I let people bait me and I boiled over. My fault for taking the bait like the idiot I am.  What can I say? I’m not a terribly bright person when it comes to not stating my opinion.

There’s nothing left to say now… 
I’m giving up, giving up, hey hey, giving up now… 
There’s nothing left to say now… 
I’m giving up, giving up, hey hey, giving up now… 

What happened? I made a comment about not being particularly impressed by the strip dances. I mean really, I’ve seen it all before at Vaulks place when I helped there  for some time. I watched over girls who did that professionally and I stopped being embarrassed by the idea of stripping for money about my third day into that job. Hell, I even got up on the stage a time or two when a girl couldn’t do the job and someone needed to fill in. So yes, I have stripped and was paid for it. Not that anybody but you and Vaulk will ever know this.

Anyways Kanth heard my comment and made a joke about me liking women but not being willing to fess up to it. I wish I could figure out what set me off with that particular comment, but it did. I just … lost it and began a tirade that I am very very ashamed of. Everything I ever wanted to NOT say just slipped through my teeth. I felt like I was spitting needles. Things just got worse from there and inevitably it all ended up boiling over and I had a melt down.

I’m ashamed. I truly am. I know that I need to take responsibility for my actions and I will. I can’t foist this off on anyone else and I wouldn’t. I won’t take the blame for someone else and I certainly can’t expect anyone else to take the blame for my actions. I don’t know how to begin making reparations and I am at a total loss as to how I can even begin to explain my feelings, brother.

Below my soul
I feel an engine
Collapsing as it sees the pain
If I could only shut it out

I am sorry. I am so sorry. I know these words are meaningless with how deeply I have hurt you and my heart aches. It aches so badly Raiyden to know that I have cut you so deeply and so cruelly. I never meant to and I wish I could take back that hour of my life- not because I know I lost many peoples respect; but because I cut you to the bone with my words worse than what I could ever do with a saber.

I owe you the explanation- not the excuse. Something happened so long ago that it should mean nothing now. I feel I owe this explanation to your face and if you’ll have me, I will speak to you… explain to you.

It’s fear brother. I have always been afraid of what I don’t understand and I don’t want to understand. It’s so hard for me to come to grips with emotions I don’t ever want.  I am so afraid of giving in to things I can’t comprehend and the thought of it makes me want to run, to hide and beg for mercy… for a reprieve.

I’ve come too far
To see the end now
Even if my way is wrong
I keep pushing on and on and on and on

So badly do I want to forget the memories. I want to ask someone to make me forget that night so many years ago. So much I want to forget. Hapa, Anubis, the whole nightmare on Voss. So many of these things have messed with my head and I want them torn from my mind. Maybe then I can be a better person. Something you and everyone else can be proud of.  Someone I could be proud of. I don’t feel proud and my actions have spoken louder than any words or promises I could make.

I can’t face Ihrath or Alasha. I can’t face Jallira.

Most of all I can’t face you.

I keep falling, I keep falling down…
I keep falling, I keep falling down…
Hey!
I keep falling, I keep falling down…
I keep falling, I keep falling down…
If you could only save me
I’m drowning in the waters of my soul

I will do anything I can to fix this mistake. Do anything I can to avoid this in the future. I need help. I need help understanding what it is that is so wrong with me and make it better.

I’m sorry Raiyden. I’m sorry I am so damaged and my damage has hurt you too. I don’t ask forgiveness. I just ask for understanding.

Caer Estherian.

There’s nothing left to say now… 
I’m giving up, giving up, hey hey, giving up now… 
There’s nothing left to say now… 
I’m giving up, giving up, hey hey, giving up now… 

And we run.

It burns into your heart, the darkness that you fear.
You were never free, and you never realized.
And love, is a word you’ve never heard.
Your heart ain’t cold cause it burns,the desire to leave the mire.

 

She hated this dream. She hated it because it was the reminder of everything that she couldn’t come to terms with and what made it worse was that it felt like this time around the scar that usually stayed hidden had been peeled back, poked and prodded and then sewn back up with dirty needles and thread. It was raw and throbbing, oozing with infection and pain. The itch, burning and sickness radiated through her body into her soul like an infection that threatened to turn gangrenous.

She stumbled through the dreamscape,  her feet tripping over things in the dark that even her sight couldn’t penetrate.  The cold was absolute and her body trembled with fatigue and cold. She just wanted someplace warm and safe; just needed to rest for a second or two. This war was weighing so heavily on her and she was so blasted tired, couldn’t she catch a break just for a moment?  The cold blasted into her face and it made the aching wound hurt all the more.

Take your breath ’til nothing’s left.
Scars of life upon your chest.
And I know wherever it goes

And we run, with a lonely heart
And we run, for this killing love
And we run, ’till the heavens above
Yeah we run, running in the dark
And we run, ’till we fall apart
And we run, ’till the heavens above

The scene shifted as it always seemed to and some part of her sleeping mind knew it was coming. This was the part where the pain began to shift to dread.  Warm hands cupped her neck from behind her, sending electric shivers down her shoulders and spine.  The skin touching hers spread a warmth down to the pit of her stomach, leaving the pins and needles sensation of sleeping skin coming alive.  Fear lanced deeply into her gut as those warm hands slid from her neck to her shoulders and down her arms, to clasp her hands, locking them in place.  The body that pressed against her back was the body of a warrior who was long used to battle. Firm, strong and so achingly close.

“Where have you been my little, dark dove?” The voice spoke with a soft lilt, some accent that Caer couldn’t recognize and in this dream had long since forgotten.  The hand moved from hers to turn her slowly and to caress the Miralukas cheek. Caer shuddered and tried to recoil, but her body wouldn’t obey, her stomach doing lazy flip-flops as a thumb brushed against her lips. “So cold, come let me warm you up.”

Caer fought to protest, a thousand ways to say no welled up in her mind and she tried to move them past her teeth, to give voice to the fears that were bubbling up in her like a fountain. Yet she found herself being led off by the woman who she had considered a friend and a confidant. Her name, Caer recalled was Tahapenes.

Tahapanes was a tall woman, with long black hair that almost had blue high-lights. Her golden colored skin almost shone in a metallic way and her eyes were a pale liquid blue that seemed almost eerily unnatural.   So many found her beautiful and on the battlefield, in the middle of a war between the Sith and the Jedi, beautiful things were so few and far between.  Men and women alike would have given their life to spend ten minutes with the woman and yet Hapa had ignored them all. Ignored them all for Caer.

Don’t blink, you’ll miss it.
Lift up your head.
I’ve gotta get gone.
Yeah, I’m outta here.
Don’t blink, you’ll miss it.
Lift up your head.
Too late, I’m gone.
Yeah, I’m outta here.

“Come.” The words were almost a command from Hapa and Caer fought to disobey- yet this dream while old- always stayed the same. The young woman obeyed that commanding voice. Even as Hapa pushed Caer into the room and shut the door, Caer fought to disobey and make her body do anything other than what it’d done a thousand times before.  Caer was pushed to the bed and she gave a startled cry as her legs went out from under her and Hapa pressed her against the soft bed after peeling off the filthy mud and snow caked Knights cloak. “We need to warm you up, little Dove.”

Hapa slid her hands over the buckles and straps that made up the bulk of Caers standard issue armor, long fingers unsnapping and unlatching things with a fluid ease that was startling. Even in this dream scape Caer was unnerved by how quickly Hapa unbuckled her chest plate and then slid her hand down to start working on the latches of her leggings unbuckling them just as quickly and setting the plates aside..

Hapa smiled  as the armor fell away to reveal the body suit that everyone wore on the field.  Caer on the other hand lay stiffly on the bed as the woman straddled the young Miraluka and bent to brush her lips against Caers. It sent a jolt of fear down Caers spine, fear and something else- she couldn’t put her finger on it.

There is no passion, there is serenity…“Hapa…Nn-”

The golden-skinned woman pressed her body against Caers and kissed her again, this time more firmly, cutting off any protest that the young MIraluka might have even tried to voice. Hapas lips pushing against Caers cold and chapped lips, making them ache and sting.  Her heart hammered in her chest and she wanted to shove the woman off. But her mind and body were frozen, a solid block of fear.

That fear only deepened as Hapa trailed a hand down Caers cheek and over a breast cupping it.  She hated this part of the dream- the helpless unable to move when all she wanted to do was scream and grow violent and break this womans neck and run back into the cold, numbing night.  The worst though, was the at feeling of longing. The feeling that this damned woman stirred deep, deep down inside. The feeling that threatened to push aside the sickness and fear.

I’ma break these chains, run through the rain.
Never look back, never quit- work through the pain.
This blood in my veins run cold
When I think it’ll never be the same
But I never lose hope.

This is fear I’ve never feared so much.
Don’t get involved make the hate rise up.
Give my life before I ever give up
This ain’t right, you lost all my trust.

Caer lay there and let what happened next happen. She couldn’t stop it- she couldn’t stop it then and in this nightmare there was no way she couldn’t stop it now in this hellish place of her mind.  Her body betrayed her at every turn as Hapa caressed her breasts, slid down over her belly and between her thighs. It was as if some devilish part of her reveled in making her feel like this. Some perversion of the natural order of things keeping her from protesting or maybe it was the lips that were firmly pressed against hers, barely allowing her a breath let alone a word of protest.

She gave little whimpers and her body bucked to try and dislodge Hapa, but it only seemed to encourage the older woman. The hand between her thighs soon turned into a knee prying her legs apart and deft fingers unzipped the inner lining, slipping inside.  The sensations that followed were wrong and yet so right in every way.  Fingers found places that Caer had never thought possible.  Her body trembled and shivered, finally releasing after what seemed like an eternity.

 

And it feels so marvelous
Just take my hand and run.

And we run, with a lonely heart
And we run, for this killing love
And we run, ’till the heavens above
Yeah we run, running in the dark
And we run, ’till we fall apart
And we run, ’till the heavens above

Caer jerked awake, blankets clutched in her hands and pressed against her mouth to stifle the scream that threatened to spill from between her teeth, the stink of fear and sweat permeating throughout the room she shared with nobody.  She gagged on the bile that rose in her throat and struggled to force her to heave her guts right there on her blankets and lap.

Her legs tangled in the blankets as she fought to get out of bed and to the fresher in time to throw up. Slamming her knee on her foot locker as she nearly stumbled to the ground, she had to clamp her mouth shut with her hands to keep from spewing on the floor. Her body heaving just as she made it to the toilet and spilled her guts into the bowl; the smell of fresh water soon drowned out by the smell of vomit.  Racked with heaves, she let it roll through her until she was sure her body was finished and then rested her head against the rim of the toilet seat for a few moments, letting it cool her forehead and calm her frayed nerves.

“Why do you hate?” That voice came unbidden in her mind, conjuring up those  eyes that seemed to peer out from under a cowl. 

“Because I want to hate it. I want to loathe it… want to fear it. I want to take everything I feel so confused about and shove it away,  make it dead. Bury it and make it go away someplace I never want to visit again.” She whispered to the empty space around her.

That was how she had wanted to answer him. That was how she had wanted to just come clean.  Goddess she hated Empaths. Bloody Empaths always knowing how a person felt before they did. The way they unburied and poked at things that were better left covered in dirt.

“You have to face this. Deal with it or it will eat at you. Hate leads to the darkness. You know this.” 

Of course Caer knew. She knew better than anyone just what the darkness could do to people. She hunted people like that- those who let their fear and anger consume them.

Getting to her feet, she dressed quickly and dug out her duffle pack. Quickly stuffing various items in it, she zipped it shut and clipped her saber and twin blades to her waist.

She ran.

And we run, with a lonely heart
And we run, for this killing love
And we long for a heavenly heart

Shadows and Hunts.

They disgust me.  All of them.

They taint the galaxy with their sickness, spreading it like a disease. How can anyone enjoy being homosexual and think it’s natural? How can anyone sleep with someone of their own gender and think “this is okay”?  It makes my skin crawl to think I’m surrounded by them and they seem to agree that it’s perfectly fine to vocalize it. To flaunt it and that they think its hilarious to try and spread their sickness to others.

I only accept my brother and Xaishen because they are family. I only accept Raiyden because we are twins and because I love him. I tolerate it because he IS my brother. IT doesn’t mean I have to tolerate it or accept it in others.

Facing that? Facing myself as some sick twisted perversion? I can’t accept that. I can’t accept being something so twisted and wrong that I would even consider such a thing. But the things that… mirror me said..

That I would like it? I should consider it? That deep down, way way down inside that I would enjoy sleeping with another woman. That the other me thinks that it’s okay?

The freak deserved to die. It felt good to destroy her and make sure she can’t taint anyone else. Even if she wasn’t real, it felt good to just take that false creature and utterly destroy her.

I think the worst thing to deal with after all that was all the stares and comments. Dealing with Raiyden trying to rationalize me. Tom trying to help me. I just really wanted left the hell alone.

As it is, Raiyden actually said something that made me want to slap the ever-loving hell out of him. He cornered me and told me that I should try it. That I should actually give it a shot. I wanted to clock him into next week. I was physically ill at the thought that he would even consider saying that to me- out loud and to my face.

Yeah, that’s not happening. I’d rather gut myself with my own blades than even consider doing anything intimate with another woman.

At least one bright spot out of that nightmare was that I got to kill my own doppelganger.

In other news I think my training with the Archon is going well. He says it  is anyways.  I try not to bother him and if anything I try to take it upon myself to learn what I think I need to learn about being a part of the Marran.  I’m slowly learning to grasp how to use the Flames and while it’s a process I feel like I need to be learning this on my own- I hate bothering people and I hate feeling like I should know this already but don’t. The Archon says it takes time, but I know I could be of more use if I actually had a clue how to use the Flames already.

I met an interesting person. A Garhoon named Ther’ak (I think he’s not related to the Archon- not sure… haven’t really asked). I like him. He’s straight forward and doesn’t beat around the bush. He gets to the point and sometimes says things that need saying.  Though sometimes his meanings come across as confusing and amusing. Kanth had to correct him a few times and I admit, once the initial shock wore off I was quietly laughing.  Alasha had to convince me that he wasn’t going to eat me, but once that was over I think we got along well- fighter to fighter.  He apparently wants to take me hunting later on. I’m intrigued to see what happens and if he’s a good hunter. I think I like the fact I actually have something in common with someone. He’s a warrior and I think he enjoys a good fight like I do. I’m a fighter first and foremost and I live for a good fight, I enjoy the feel of my adrenaline coursing through my veins. Give me a good fight and I’m alive. I am looking forward to this hunt he’s proposed- we leave tomorrow.

Jallira I don’t think understands my sense of humor. I have a rather warped sens of humor and listening to her talk about her sentient couch being destroyed and the Wookiee responsible for selling Alti the couch just tickled me like nothing else. She’s so fun to tease and I don’t mean anything by it. She’s really like the sister I always wanted. How I had hoped Lyrae’a could have been. I feel protective of her just like I do Raiyden. It probably drives her nuts but I can’t help it.

I need to get ready to leave for this hunt. Not sure how things are going to go, but with any luck I’ll be able to get a better perspective on this person and find out more about the Garhoon, maybe ask things I don’t necessarily feel comfortable asking Alasha or Ihlrath.