Kyrie eleison

The wind blows hard against this mountain side,
across the sea into my soul
It reaches into where I cannot hide,
setting my feet upon the road

 

 

I sit here and stare up at the night sky and really sit and consider just how far I’ve come and I have to use the old saying of two steps forward one step back.

I had to take time for me, give myself room to breathe just a little. I know it’s hard for people to really truly understand what it’s been like inside my head and I suppose that’s my own fault for never wanting to share. I’ve always been an intensively private person and it’s bothered so many for such a long time and I can’t help that.  Tom, Raiyden and even Neirov or my own parents have really understood. I’m just not a touchy feely person.

I know I hurt Tom. Some part of me is amazed at the resiliency he’s shown and just how willing and kind he is to remain my friend despite the fact I’ve told him I just can’t handle a relationship right now and I’m not sure when I will be ready for one. I just wasn’t… ready. For any of it.  I think I liked the idea of being in love and I still do like the idea of loving someone… that’s something that I don’t think will ever go away and I know that I will always have something deep and meaningful with Tomuraan. I just know that my heart lies with my duties, my desire and my drive to do something more than be a wife or a lover or even just a companion. I just know deep down, way down inside I can’t be a wife. I can’t be what he wants me to be and I know he’d deny it until the heavens fell, the skies wept tears and the goddess manifested herself to me that he would say it didn’t bother him as much as it really would. I never meant to hurt anybody and I think in the grand scheme of things isn’t that what everybody says? They never meant to hurt, never meant to cause pain, yet here we are. I didn’t mean to do it, but I did, I still am and it’s beyond my control now. Let the cards fall and see what hand turns up for me.

When I was young I thought of growing old,
of what my life would mean to me
Would I have followed down my chosen road,
or only wished what I could be

Kyrie eleison, down the road that I must travel
Kyrie eleison, through the darkness of the night
Kyrie eleison, where I’m going will you follow
Kyrie eleison, on a highway in the light

I know now that for the longest time, since quitting the Order, hell maybe even before that I felt I didn’t have a true purpose.  It’s been so long since I have truly felt alive, have really felt as if I could look in any direction and say – ‘hey, I can go that way today and it could have meaning.’  I think that’s the most liberating thing is that I can choose my destiny now and not have it chosen for me. Not by my family, not by my friends, not by any predetermined faith. Me. Just me.

Stepping down from the leadership of the Seeker’s Path has been an evolution for me. I viewed it as a failure on my part at first, that something I did was what held me back and I was holding my Crew back. I blamed Alisteres death and Luciens all on me.  After a lot of thought, soul searching and the realization that there are literally things beyond my control that none of it was my fault.  All of it was so beyond my control that I felt as if there was nothing I could ever control again. But I know that’s not true; not anymore. There are things I can control and will control but they have to be on my terms and I have to realize that these things have to be within reason.

I cannot control life or death. 

When I was young I thought of growing old,
of what my life would mean to me
Would I have followed down my chosen road,
or only wished what I could be

Kyrie eleison, down the road that I must travel
Kyrie eleison, through the darkness of the night
Kyrie eleison, where I’m going will you follow
Kyrie eleison, on a highway in the light

My life has to mean more to me than I was giving it credit for. I have to take control of myself even if it means taking the burden and putting it on others shoulders. I’m okay with that now, I’m okay with taking a step back and giving up the things I thought only I could shape, could mold…and control. The only thing I can control now is what I can and cannot do. Then I push those boundaries.

I wake up, I train. I feel with every heart beat that I was meant to become this. Whatever it is. I feel that in the very depth of my soul I am meant to lead again to do something great and make the ultimate sacrifice; no that doesn’t mean my life or not anyone elses, I’m not sure what it might mean but I know something big is going to happen and I will be ready for it… this time. My training is preparing me for this and I don’t look at it with dread, no. I look at it with anticipation and hope.  I’m bruised, I hurt and some days I know I can only look forward to more pain, more bruises, more cuts and sores, but I look forward to it.  The humming of heated muscles, the bone weary ache of repetitiveness and the throat choking feel of my heart hammering against my chest as my body demands me to stop, wait a moment, catch my breath, to just lie down, I revel in it.

I wonder if any of the Seekers feel this, if this was what we’re meant to feel. 

Alive.

I look at my family, my Crew in a different light now. My only regret is that I lost so many months walking in the shadows of my own heart ache to not see that they were there for me this whole time.

Kyrie eleison, down the road that I must travel
Kyrie eleison, through the darkness of the night
Kyrie eleison, where I’m going will you follow
Kyrie eleison, on a highway in the light

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s