She’s just a little worn down.

She’s just a woman
not just a woman
She’s terrified and
she’s unafraid
She’ll change her mind
with the change of the seasons
She’s every reason
you’ll ever need
She’ll never say what you
should already know by now
Sometimes you’ll swear
she can read your mind
Sometimes she’ll seem as if
she’s broken down
Yeah but everything that’s perfect
took a little workin out yeah

<Personal journal of Caer Estherian. Location: Alpheredies.>

Thisi s one of those things that I can’t help but start with saying I have no idea where to start. Maybe it’d help if I kept up on my journal like I’m supposed to, but it seems the more I tell myself I’ll write later or talk later the less I’m inclined to do it.

No wonder I cant lead worth spit, I can’t even make me listen to myself. Xaishen has done a better job at leading than I have; from what I heard he’s got the rest of the crew acting on the informational tip I gave him and they jumped right to it without arguing.  They just said okay and left.  Figures.

We were recalled to Alpheredies while on Alderaan after Raiydens wedding.

The wedding was wonderful. Xaishen and Raiyden loved every second of it and the maritime pirate theme. Both looked so good in their respective costumes and I knew the ladies would love theirs as well. The vows they exchanged as really touching. Arten got Xaishen a pair of Nexu for a wedding gift, I’ve never seen a Sith tear up before it was both touching and creepy at the same time.

We were only a few days into the vacation when we got a call that Xaven had been seriously injured by one of the other Seekers.  The long story short is that Kaine Sovus had been taken over by Anubis. Possession, plain and clear. Xaven was called back to the home world and met with Daron, Ayliahs father. They both confronted Anubis and both ended up nearly killed. We’re not even sure if Daron is technically alive.  He’s catatonic and Xavens throat was nearly crushed. He was in intensive care for some time and we all went back to his bed side just in case he didn’t make it.

Kaine.. he’s fine. Figures right? Ayliahs father is nearly killed, my uncle will never talk normally again.  I also learned that Kaine Sovus is the Primus of the Shadow Blades.  Basically take the Jedi Consulars who are spies for the Order and the SIS and roll them into one.  He’s the leader of his own sect like Sharise was of the Blade Dancers. I guess he’s good friends with Xaven and came to visit him often. Naturally Lyrae’a hates him. I think Lyr is just terrified that she’ll lose yet another person. It was close with Xaven and she’s almost rabidly protective of her uncle.

However, it seems Kaine has opted to fill in where Sharise failed and where Lucien… Lucien couldn’t continue. It still aches to know he’s gone.  Kaine wants to train me and is willing to travel with the crew to do it. Sharise demanded I stay on Alpheredies. It’s strange how the two were so different and already Kaine has told me of all the different little ways Sharise failed.  Father said if I didn’t take up his offer he’d strangle me (honestly, a bit too soon father…) that being trained by Kaine was like being trained by the Grand Master. He’s never taken a student at all once he became Primus and I’d be his first.

I love it. I feel alive again. I honestly feel like I have a purpose again and some part of me hopes that this won’t be another Sharise… another Lucien.

It’s just one day at a time though, its all I can do and hope that the past doesn’t repeat itself. I just know there is no option for failure. I can’t fail a third time. Second chances like this don’t come along like this and I can’t fail my crew, my family and myself.

 

She’s just a woman
not just a woman
She’ll break your heart and
she’ll make you strong
And she can take you
completely make you
so uncertain but
so better off

She’ll never say what you
should already know by now
Sometimes you’ll swear
she can read your mind
At times she’ll seem as if
she’s broken down
Yeah but everything was workin
why’d you have to let her down again
again

She’s just a woman
not just a woman
She’s terrified and
she’s unafraid
She is an icon
she keeps her brights on
She’ll break your heart yeah
but she’s got her ways

She’s just a woman
not just a woman
She’s complicated with
an easy smile
She is a genius
but she don’t see it
She is a dream in
your waking hour

She’ll never say what you
should already know by now
Sometimes you’ll swear
she can read your mind
At times she’ll seem as if
she’s broken down
Yeah but everything that’s perfect
gets a little worn, little worn down
little worn down yeah
little worn down
a little worn down

 

-Rob Thomas- She’s just a woman

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Show me how to be whole again.

Take me down to the river bend
Take me down to the fighting end
Wash the poison from off my skin
Show me how to be whole again.

The camera would snap on and a Miraluka man with chocolate colored skin and raven black hair that tumbled down his back, done up in tiny little braids sat in an over sized chair. His shirt and pants were of a robin blue color and seemed to fit a bit snugly on him. He gave a smile to Caer as she took a seat opposite him.

Caer looked tired as she curled up in the over sized chair, her own outfit a white color with black patterns over it. She was barefoot and her hair was free, giving her a frizzy look.

“What is it you want, uncle Xaven?” Caers weary voice sounded as if she’d been dreading this conversation. Perhaps she had.

“I came to see how you were, dear.” The man gave her a sympathetic expression, the face smooth and without any coverings.  “You’ve been really grand at avoiding me.”

“Yeah well, maybe I want to avoid you, uncle.” Caer gave him a terse response. “I really don’t need you or anyone else prying.”

A thin purse of lips the man shifted in his seat and nodded.  “I know you’re unhappy about this but you really have no choice to be here and it may as well be me. Caer, you have to understand that everyone is worried about you. Everyone. Not just Daron and your family but me and your friends.”

Caer ran a hand through her hair and hissed out a sigh. “I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not Caer and I wish you would stop saying that. As an Empath more powerful than your brother even I can see that you’re so far from fine you may as well be in another galactic zip code from it.” Xavens voice was gentle. “You’re so far from fine that even I can see that you’re aching.”

‘What do you want me to say uncle? We have no choice but to be fine. I have no choice but to pull through, buck up little camper and soldier on or whatever it is the hell people say when they’re too polite to say life sucks grab a straw.” Caer pursed her own lips and looked away.

“I want you to tell me everything Caer. Everything you feel and think. It doesn’t have to make sense, it doesn’t even have to have order or rhyme or reason. I just want to hear you.” Xaven reached out a hand to her but withdrew when she didn’t reciprocate. He sighed and put his hand back in his lap.

Caer sat in silence for a long moment and chewed on a hangnail, not seeming to notice that it left a ragged line of skin behind. “What am I supposed to say? Huh? People are dying around us one by one? That with every mission we’ve gone on, it’s been more failure than success?  It’s so easy to sit back and psychoanalyze a person when you weren’t there.”

Fly me up on a silver wing
Past the black where the sirens sing
Warm me up in a nova’s glow
And drop me down to the dream below

‘Cause I’m only a crack in this castle of glass
Hardly anything there for you to see
For you to see.

Xaven inhaled and then nodded. “True, it’s much easier to sit back and watch and listen than it is to participate. I wasn’t there at any of those missions. But why do you feel like you have to take the brunt of it?”

Caer stared at the man and then looked away in disgust. “Because nobody else will. Because everyone acts like it never happened or is willing to talk about what happened; and why should they? It’s over and done with for them. They all have this magical ability to just get over it. ”

“Like who Caer? I haven’t seen anyone act like that at all.” Xaven frowned, dark brows furrowing downward.

Caer got up and paced, the camera tracking her movements. She hissed in agitation as she flung her arm out towards the direction of the door. “Everybody. Arten who’s been through two of these missions led one of them at the behest of his Order and acts as if none of them ever happened.  Dyme who slunk off with her tail between her legs after both missions and comes back wanting to be best of friends!  Neirov who is like a shadow and has all the courage of a limp sponge to face what he’s become! I have no idea why I’m even mentioning Neirov anymore, he’s such a non-factor that I’m amazed he’s still here.  Tom has failed to come on two missions, some part of me even wonders if he is even sticking around because he feels like he’s obligated to be here because of our relationship that is on hold right now. He didn’t even come on any of those missions.  Raiyden is a ghost of himself more often than not and we’re nowhere as close as we used to be and I can hardly blame him for that. He has his own life now.  Xaishen is just… Xaishen. He’s failed to go on several missions with us, never mind the fact he could have been useful, but I put him in charge. Why? I don’t know! Maybe it’s because he’s the lesser of the five evils!  Lyrae’a is half mad with grief yet nobody is doing a damn thing to help her but you and the family let her run rampant all over despite the fact she loathes each and every one of us for getting Alistere killed and letting it happen. She’s so bent on revenge that I’m half terrified she’ll get us all killed for her vengeance! I have no idea who the hell Remii is other than Kheniaths bed warmer and half the time I have on idea what Kheniath is up to or what his motives are simply because he never tells me. ”

‘Cause I’m only a crack in this castle of glass
Hardly anything there for you to see
For you to see.

Bring me home in a blinding dream,
Through the secrets that I have seen
Wash the sorrow from off my skin
And show me how to be whole again

Xaven sat and listened to the woman as she let it all out, watching her very carefully. He let her pace a few more times, allowing her to catch her breath and then to sit on the chair across from him before he spoke. The words he chose were carefully picked.  “You blame them for not pulling their weight. It’s understandable in some regards, but in others you understand that not everyone is suited for the tasks at hand. You as a leader, a former Jedi and as someone who has had to stand down from missions while others took your place know that not everyone is made for all the tasks at hand. Tom had his duties and you can’t fault him for that. I sense there is far more between you and Neirov than you’re willing to admit and I won’t press that right now. I also sense that there is something more between you and Tomuraan.”

Caer shrugged and took a deep breath. “I have no idea. I just don’t anymore. All of this that’s happened? It just feels like everything has gone from bad to worse. I don’t have time for relationships right now when I can’t even take care of me. I can’t even get my crew to listen to me the majority of the time because of it. How the hell am I going to have a relationship if I can’t even get my crew to listen?”

“Maybe all of this happened too fast? Not just the relationship, lets set that aside for the moment, hmm?” Xaven tracked her movements with his head and gestured for her to sit down. I want you to do something for me okay? I want you to just meditate for a while. We’ll come back to this and hammer things out one at a time. When we next meet we’ll talk about one thing, just one thing that’s going on and we’ll progress from there. Can we do that?”

Caer wrinkled her nose and clenched her jaw. “What you’re my therapist now?”

Xaven smiled faintly and spread his hands. “For now dear, yes. Because if we don’t get you back to where you were when we first met you, the Seekers will bring your balance into question; and that’s the last thing you want.”

Caer reared her head and pursed her lips. “They sicked you on me, then.”

“No sweety. I’m doing this on my own. So that they don’t sick someone on you. Because I can promise you that you wouldn’t be here right now if they had. You’d be back at home either under house arrest or in detainment until they ascertained your balance.” Xaven smiled sadly and lowered his head. “I’m doing this because I care, because your family is worried.”

The camera focused on Caer as she rolled obviously tense shoulders. “I see. Fine then. If this is what I have to do.” She sounded almost defeated and tired.

Xaven stood up and crouched by her chair, the taller man taking his hands in hers. “We love you all Caer. I know that seems hard to hear right now, but we do. We want to see what’s best for you and all of this stuff you let out tonight? It’s cutting your heart to pieces. I want to fix that.”

A knock on the door could be heard and both looked up, Caers jaw tensing and her shoulders squaring, Xaven sweeping to his feet and looking to the door. “We’ll talk more later tonight Caer. Just meditate for now and please, for the sake of your sanity try to enjoy this respite.”

‘Cause I’m only a crack in this castle of glass
Hardly anything there for you to see
For you to see.

‘Cause I’m only a crack in this castle of glass
Hardly anything else I need to be

‘Cause I’m only a crack in this castle of glass
Hardly anything there for you to see
For you to see
For you to see

Caer watched Xaven exit the room, listening to his footfalls recede down the hallway, her hands folded limply into her hands and her expression unreadable. She slowly inhaled and lowered her head drawing her hands up to her face exhaling with that motion.  The camera beeped and then shut off.