Hail the King of Death.

<Personal Journal of Caer Estherian>

I ruled the world with these hands,
I shook the heavens to the ground.
I laid the gods to rest.
I held the key to the kingdom lions,
Guarding castle walls.
Hail the king of death.

The Miraluka woman looked thinner than usual and her expression tired. She brushed her hair from her face and then gave up as it sprang right back to where it was before. She stood in a room that was sunny and the sound of birds chirping  outside a open window. The holo only caught a small frame but it was enough to see she was alone in the room.

The womans voice was soft, contemplative as she continued to gaze out through the window. “You’d think that after all any of us have been through, that we would be used to this sort of thing by now. You would think that there would be that little voice in the back of my head that would say I should have seen this coming from a mile away.”

Caer turned and sighed facing the camera though she didn’t seem to be actually paying any attention to it and her covering where her eyes should have been kept any indication of such from being seen anyways. She chewed on a ragged nail on her index finger and gave a little sigh. “But I didn’t and nobody else did either, you know? You just don’t see those things coming and it seems strange that we all thought we would waltz in, beat the bad guy and swagger out like the big heroes on campus. Except that it didn’t happen that way. In either mission we’ve had back to back. Alistere died saving all of us and now Lucien.”

Then I lost it all, dead and broken.
My, back’s against the wall.
Cut me open.
I’m just trying to breathe, just trying to figure it out.
Because I built these walls to watch them crumbling down.
I said, then I lost it all.
Who can save me now?

There was a long pause and Caer just seemed content to sit in that silence for a few moments. When she spoke it was again with that thoughtful tone. “It happened, though; seeing him being overwhelmed by those… things. I’m not ready to talk about it to anyone yet. At least not to anyone who wants me to talk about it, it’s still to close and too fresh for me to want to talk about it in great detail.”

“I can’t sleep. It’s impossible for me to even think about falling into that slumber because I know what’s waiting for me. I know what is going to be there when I finally fall asleep. He’ll be there waiting and I can still smell the dessication, the decay and the stench of dust and crushed bone. But I think what’s worst is that I can smell the fear.  I can smell that rancid smell of desperate people trying to escape and live so they can go home and crawl into a bottle, crawl into a meditation or crawl into the arms of another and forget it ever happened. It even over powers the smell of blood and putrification.  Just one of those things that I don’t think will ever go away.”

Caer fell silent and took a drink of something from a long stemmed glass. She swirled it in the glass before draining it fully without pause. She exhaled and set the glass down, refilling it again and taking a slower sip before speaking again, her voice husky from the wine. “Some part of me really wishes I had died there. It’s cowardly and it’s cheap but some part of me wishes I had stayed behind and done what should have been my duty.”

Her voice dropped to a whisper she lowered her head and looked down at her hands. “But I was too afraid. I was scared of if I had, would I have had the strength, the courage… the balls to do what Lucien did. My friend and my Master stepped up to the plate and he took one for the team while the rest of us ran like frightened Bantha. To spend the next gods knows how long safeguarding a malicious spirit along with two other beings who had been doing it for… hundreds of years.”

I stood above, another war.
Another jewel upon the crown
I was the fear of men.
But I was blind I couldn’t see,
The world there right in front of me.
But now, I can.

She put her face to her hands and fell silent for a long time before slowly lowering them again; the chirping birds an odd back ground noise to the words being spoken. “I can’t lead these people. Not like this. I can’t lead my crew into another unmitigated disaster and hope, pray and beg the gods to pull us through another one without casualties. I can’t give my crew hope when I have absolutely none for myself. I can’t give them confidence when I mine was left back there on that temple floor with my belongings and corpses. I can’t command a presence when I feel like I should be tucking tail and slinking off into the nearest alley and obscuring my existence.”

Caer took a shaky breath and another slow sip of the drink. She tapped her finger on the table where she sat and then finally folded her hands in her lap. She licked her lips, moistening them and she seemed uncomfortable in her chair. “I put my relationship with Tom on hold. It might seem insignificant to anybody, but I again feel that sliver of yellow cowardice knifing its way into my heart. I know what I’m doing is right for us. It’s not fair to him to have to deal with … this… all of me like this. I don’t think it’s fair to him to have to constantly come to my rescue when I fall apart. I’ve become a spectacular disaster and I know that he’s doing his best. I know I hurt him especially after he had just told Shan that he was leaving to be with me… but I also know that until I can become the person I either used to be, or reforge myself into something better and stronger that I’m no good to anyone on a personal intimate level let alone a professional and public level.”

Because I’ve lost it all, dead and broken.
My, back’s against the wall.
Cut me open.
I’m just trying to breathe, just trying to figure it out.
Because I built these walls to watch them crumbling down.
I said, then I lost it all.
Who can save me now?

I believe that we all fall down sometimes.
Can’t you see that we all fall down sometimes?

Caer lifted her head as if listening for something. After a moment the sound of a door closing in the distance would close. “My brother is all but shattered. This whole ordeal completely unnerved him. I’m glad he has Xaishen to help him out. I’m just glad for Xaishen.”

A pause before continuing. “He offered… offered to take over the Crew for me temporary like until I can get myself together. He came to me in the middle of the night when he saw me pacing in front of my ship after a spectacular nightmare and we talked a little. He said that if I would help take care of Raiyden and get myself together he would offer to take over for the Crew for a while. I told him I’d think about it.”

“But I know I’ve already made my decision.” Her fingers reached for the glass again, curling around the slender stem and then taking a slow and long drink. She wiped her hand across her mouth. “I already know what I’m going to tell him.”

She got to her feet and crossed out of view of the camera, the image showing a window with  a clear blue sky and Alderaanian mountains before it clicked off.

I believe that we all fall down sometimes.
Can’t you see that we all fall down sometimes?

I believe that we all fall down sometimes.




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