Hate is like a ghost.

I’ve lost a war
I’ve lost a fight
I’ve killed a man
Wasted a life

 

Caer sat, listening to the hum of machinery around her and the even duller hum of humanoid voices speaking hundreds of different languages at once, beeping counterpointing a sigh or a soft groan of pain.  The shuffle of soldiers feet or the clacking of armor seemed like distant noise; the kind of sounds that one was so accustomed to that it didn’t register beyond the fact they were not threatening sounds.

She was withdrawn from it all, as if she was a passenger watching people at a star port. They weren’t important to her, their names meant nothing to her; at least not at the moment. Maybe later they would- and maybe later she still wouldn’t let herself feel anything beyond the necessary to function.  Her fingers curled loosely around the borrowed light saber, Xaishens, she recalled dimly as she felt the odd weight of it. But it felt comfortable there for the time being. She felt in  control of at least that since everything else had felt so wildly out of her control for the past couple days.

Alderaan was where this whole mess had begun and right now she hated this planet more than she probably hated Voss and Taris combined.  Resting her head on the back of the fold out chair she played those last few moments in her head over and over, on an eternal loop.

Her fight with the Sith known as Celash, the supposed person responsible for trying to destroy Kheniaths family- the man who had been her best friend, still was her best friend despite the fact he’d ignored a direct order. She would have defied orders to save her family too. Goddess knew that she had watched her family crumble around her tonight.

The woman Scilla had initiated the count down, or so Caer recalled. She had been too busy fighting the other Sith to really pay attention to anything other than Raiyden being attacked with Force lightning and Dyme trying to slice into the panel to keep everyone from dying. She dimly recalled Lyrae’a helping her with the male, both of them attacking him as a single unit, fighting in almost perfect tandem.

The goddamn Sith, the thrice damned Syndicate. She didn’t understand it all and that stirred the rage that felt trapped beneath her breast. She seethed with rage as she recalled watching the Sith die. The pleasure she took in seeing his body sever at her strike and at Shayla- Artens cat, rend the man to ribbons.  Hearing Dymes voice telling them that they had to leave before the complex exploded and watching on the holofeed as Alistere, the Miraluka she didn’t trust but she knew Lyrae’a loved bowed his head and accepted his fate to die with the facility.

She couldn’t get the look of Lyrae’as face out of her memory. It was ingrained into her mind as if it’d been branded there.  Caer could nearly see through the Force as Lyrae’a s world shattered around her, the twin sabers dropping from the womans hands as the man she loved accepted his death so readily. Caer could still hear the sound of those weapons hitting the floor with the finality of hells gates slamming such on her sisters life. It sounded far louder than the klaxon of wailing alarms and warnings that the place they were standing in was about to explode with them inside of it, far louder than Dymes warning to move.  Knocking her sister out, she had carried the unconscious woman as Dyme carried Raiyden out and into a ship that carried them to safety.

They all had escaped with only minor cuts and bruises, Alistere sacrificing himself to save not only the troops who helped them, but Kheniaths family and Caers crew.

Take my world and fold me in
Free the soul behind the sin
The endless dark will be the death of my senses

Take my heart and hold it in
Kill the beast under my skin
The endless dark will be the death of my senses

Caer rubbed her face and let her hand slip to her brothers arm gripping it gently, feeling the need to center herself and drawing on his strength and sense of calmness and inner peace. While his heart ached, he still kept to his inner balance and she felt strengthened by that. She looked to her unconscious sister and felt a pang of hurt for her.

Clenching her jaw, she quickly sealed away those emotions just as he had earlier with Arten and the others. Being the leader that she knew they needed. It had been hard hearing Arten say she was like a mother to him and for the briefest of moments she had wanted to break down there and tell him she wasn’t worthy of that.  She felt she wasn’t, a good mother didn’t put their family in situations like that and expect them to be okay. It had nearly broken her as he asked if she’d wanted a hug, and the embrace of his arms around her nearly melting her resolve.

The only thing she wanted was to shut off. To not feel anything. To be the shield that she always felt she was and protect the others from the pain and the hurt and anger. She wanted to pull all of that from Lyrae’a, Arten, Dyme, and Raiyden and pull it into herself and lock it away.

Instead she bowed her head and whispered, “Ashla, I need your light.”

She would mourn in the arms of her faith. Tomorrow she would be there for her crew as their leader and as a sister to her family.

 

Hate is like a ghost
That lives inside of me, I plead
For you to be my guide
To be the feeder of my need

Open my eyes, let me see you
And blow this blinding darkness away
Open my eyes
Give me a sign

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