<Personal Data entry of Caer Estherian>
It’s not often I think of myself. When it comes to my own comforts or needs or wants. My crew has always come first and until such a time I’m relieved of command or something prevents me from commanding my crew I will always think of them first. What they need or want always comes before my personal needs and wants, I suppose that’s one of the few things the Jedi order taught me. Self sacrifice is something we’re taught from the time we are placed under the care of the Order; I have never minded it and it’s something I think I would have done even if I had never been taught the importance of protecting others and how important it is.
Right now my brother sorely needs balance and peace restored to his soul. Our uncle Xaven (not to be confused with Xaishen) is with him now trying to create a balance that he lost. It pains me to no end to see him so confused and hurt not having an idea of where to turn or what might be happening next. His entire life has always been about balance and internal peace. The frustrating thing about this whole thing is the keen and painful thought that I am completely helpless to ease the hurts not only physical but mentally the arena of healing is so beyond my scope of comprehension I may as well be a child among warriors. It’s difficult for me at best to see my brother struggle through even daily exercises or to be around other people is a chore for him.
I confess, words regularly fail me but in this regard, words fail me all together when it comes to how to talk to my brother. I have no idea what to say or how to react and part of me worries if I have excaberated it somehow. If perhaps something I could have said or done would have helped him so that he wasn’t as he is now. I keep replaying the disappearance of him and Xaishen in my mind and some part of me saw the warning signs but I ignored them. For that the fault lies within myself and that was my own failing as a leader to ignore every single one.
I can’t make an excuse for that. I’ll put this right one way or another.
The trip to Onderon was a good one, it was good for my students and Toms to be out and about and get some training. I enjoyed the time we had there and it was nice to be out among the wilderness with just a group again, running training exercises. Lucien did an amazing job with Toms padawans an I was surprised that Celeste and Aimee did as well as they did because both of them have never been good with people let alone children. I admit, I was saddened to hear that both are opting out of the Seeker program and moving onto other things; both finding out that during their time on Onderon that they sought a path that wasn’t suited for them.
I wish them well and I wrote them both recommendations for their chosen desires. Lucien remains and I am content to let him remain. He’s a great student and I find us having a bit in common. He comes from a large family and I know that he has taught me how to have a better understanding of how larger families work; I never realized just how much work is involved in understanding them and raising them. He raised several of his siblings and the stories he told me while on guard further served only to stab my maternal instincts in the face. Lucien though is a good man, he’s got a solid head on his shoulders and I think if the rest of the crew knew what he was truly capable of, they might not trust him.
But I do trust him and I trust him to remain loyal to the crew. He’s taken an interest in Ayliah and after hearing about her attempt to create a saber with Artens help, I went ahead and told him it was alright if everything was cleared through Raiyden. I know that he can teach Ayliah to do things that will be safe but also allow her to survive should she ever need to protect herself.
We’re on our way to Tython now, I should be getting ready to land, but once we do I know that we’ll have to deal with the decision of whether Tomuraan stays with the Order or he parts ways and comes with us. I just hope that the decision he makes, whatever it is, will be for the good for his mind and spirit. I will stand by his decision no matter what, even if it means waiting for him to live his dream as a Jedi; or I will follow him as he walks out of the Council chambers one last time.
The force will guide him. I know this.
So this is what you meant
When you said that you were spent
And now it’s time to build from the bottom of the pit
Right to the top
Don’t hold back
Packing my bags and giving the academy a rain check
I don’t ever wanna let you down
I don’t ever wanna leave this town
‘Cause after all
This city never sleeps at night
It’s time to begin, isn’t it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I’ll admit
I’m just the same as I was
Now don’t you understand
That I’m never changing who I am
-It’s Time (Imagine Dragons)