Under pressure.

Closure is supposed to bring a sense of closure, right? It’s supposed to make you sit down and take a deep breath and feel like a weight has been lifted on your shoulders and you can laugh and smile and do all that stuff that makes you say “gosh, that’s a load off!”

I don’t feel that at all. If anything I feel like that I am responsible for much more now. That somehow I might have brought about the downfall of a person I thought meant a lot to me and just how responsible I am for that now. Just how much affect did I have on the outcomes of all these scenarios that have played out over the weeks and months.

Alpheredies leaves me with conflicting emotions. In this time I have forged new bonds with my crew and my brother. My lover and I’ve watched my Padawan become something greater than I think even he realizes he’s capable of. The temptations that have been brought before Arten have been many and he’s faced opposition, discouragement and even dislike from some with a squared shoulder and a lifted chin.

The tension is easing slowly now that I know what we’ve done is right.

This whole mess wasn’t about my sister; it never was. Lyrae’a did wrong in so many ways but she was never the murdering dreamer of becoming a Sith everyone had painted her to be. She was a woman who really lost her true love and couldn’t handle that. She was also the woman who saw past Sharise and her veil of lies and manipulations.  It was Lyr who saw the enchantment for what it really was and instead of  confronting Sharise for it, she fled. She would rather deal with her grief and hatred and pain on her own than try to deal with all that and a manipulative bitch with some chip on  her shoulder and too much love for alcohol.

Some part of me is glad that Lyrae’a is not to blame for any of this. That it was Sharises manipulations and the councils willingness to turn a blind eye to her manipulations and black mails that this all boils down to. Kheniath dug up the information about it all. The blackmail, the illegitimate child that she had, who the father was and most of all the fact that she was working with other council members to blackmail and manipulate others of high standing. It was a veritable who’s who of who’s screwing over who and why; the laundry list so dirty even I had to sit back and wonder why this was all happening. I think what really bothers me the most is that our own father was so unwilling to get involved he kind of threw Lyrae’a under the stampeding Bantha and just let it all happen for the sake of neutrality.

It’s kind of sad. It figures the one person I ever choose to look up to, to look at as someone I should strive to be… turns out to be a backstabbing, conniving whore. That’s all Sharise ever was and I let myself be dazzled by the fact she showed me one face for so long that I didn’t see or chose not to see her for what she really was and some part of me is horribly ashamed at that fact that I let myself be so willing to ignore it.

Now…? Now I feel a little bitter and jaded, as if I wasn’t that before. There are people, other seekers who blame Raiy and I for this. There’s whispers and talk about how we destroyed Sharises life, but it’s like they’re completely unwilling to realize that it was Sharise who destroyed some of theirs; it’s like they don’t stop and think that some of these things she’s done it’s to their families, their friends or loved ones. Sharise essentially killed her own son and for what? Pride? To get back at Lyrae’a? To get back at my family? Hell if I know. She helped harbor a Sith supporter, gave another a means to kill someone else. Hell she assassinated another person for money. All these things a Seeker cannot do.

It’s disappointing and I think right now I just need to focus on something else. Get off this planet and get the hell away from all these infuriating idiots who want to behave worse than a nest of Bothans. Sneaky and underhanded bunch of people who really want nothing more than to produce this idyllic life of grandeur that doesn’t really exist. There’s just a bitter resentment right now and I think I need away from this place for a while before I come back and face an ignorant family, an even more ignorant council and a bunch of ass backwards Miraluka who want to figuratively and literally turn a blind eye on things.

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