There was hope in the end…

Please don’t tell me any more
There’s a weight in your eyes
And it weighs on my heart
Where have the children gone
We were innocent once
But that was so long ago

The streets of Nar Shaddaa were eerily empty as if the inhabitants knew of the Miralukas mood and they had felt it necessary to leave the woman be, despite the fact she could be easy pickings for some of the more savvy people of the underbelly of Nar Shaddaas seedier side.

In a way Caer kind of hoped someone would start something. Some part of her wanted to fight. To lash out at something that she would not regret lashing out at.  Her frustration mounted the more she walked, the thoughts and conversations chasing each other around and around in her head until she wanted to scream, she wanted to claw at her hair and pound away the hatred she felt right now, the emotions of betrayal that hounded and nipped at her backside with tiny needle like teeth.

She’d never hated Nar Shaddaa so much in her life as she did right now. Raiyden had gone missing on Nar Shaddaa along side Xaishen but at this point she didn’t care about bringing Xaishen back so much anymore, she just wanted Raiyden. Caer had wondered fleetingly if Xaishen had set her brother up, the prickle of paranoia teasing her brain.

Have we lost our way back home
We have made mistakes I know
I know

Don’t tell me of better days
There’s a memory I have
Could be something I read
Of laughter and cheap guitars
In a house full of friends
Could’ve been one of ours
We stayed up late, we loved the stars
Can’t remember the rest
Just a few parts

She’d been turned on not once but twice in the night as it was and the hate she felt for that rose in her like bile. The shame at being taken for a fool not by Kheniath but by her own Padawan! Her hands curled into fists and the images of her pummeling  the two of them mercilessly did nothing to ease the mounting tension between her shoulders or the oncoming migraine that was developing somewhere just above her temples.

Her boot heels clicked on the ground, each step echoing in the silent streets. Only the occasional cough or mutterings of people could be heard, but she didn’t hear them. She kept her strides even, counting them as she went until she reached the hundreds and lost count. It didn’t matter though she just started over again in another language and continued on, sometimes wiping her nose with her sleeve not really giving a damn one way or another that she was wiping snot on a perfectly good outfit. She’d just wash it later, gods knew she felt grimy as it was.

The words still echoed inside her head and they just made her stomach churn to the point that she had to stop, hand pressed against a filthy wall to curb the nausea she felt. Her knees felt weak and her heart raced.

“M-master R-raiyden is d-d-dead!” The stuttering terrified voice of her Padawan rang shrilly in the halls of her mind and set anew another round of emotions that ran the gamut of rage and hatred to disbelief, pain and hurt.  His terrified face filling her force sight, the feeling of the cloth of his padawan robes gripped tightly in her hand. She felt each of these things, saw each of these things.

She’d walked away. That was always her answer for everything was to walk away. But she couldn’t this time, there was no chance of her walking away from this nightmare and she had to face this monster her life had become.  She knew she would have to face down what was coming and if it meant facing each and every step completely alone, she would. She’d turn her back on everything, everything if it meant saving her brother from the nightmare that he shared with her.

Have we lost our way back home
We have made mistakes I know
I know

I think they lost something that they miss
I wanna find that book
Dust it off and read it again
There was hope in the end

Caer clenched her fists and tilted her head back at the sudden rush of emotions that swelled up inside of her, the scream tearing through her throat like a wild animal that had been contained too long, far too long. Weeks of keeping it inside, hours of holding it in check. She screamed as long and as loud as she could, letting the primal sounding cry tear through the underbelly of the city she hated like a knife gutting a diseased animal.

The echoed and the silence deafened her. She could barely hear the sound of her own ragged breathing. Nothing stirred in the darkness of that little corner of Nar Shaddaa as if the denizens and animals alike were too wary of that scream to move without making sure that thing that had screamed so was not after them.

Shoulders slumping Caer swallowed it back down. She’d allowed herself the five seconds of emotion. She had allowed herself to give into the emotions and she’d quickly swallowed them down like so many bitter and jagged little pills that tore on the way down as much as the scream had torn her on the way up.  Straightening her shoulders she went to face the disaster this nightmare had become.

Have we lost our way back home
We have made mistakes I know
I know

We were braver still when we were young
And when we were young
We spoke in tongues

(Song: flyleaf – Have we Lost)


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