Lost in the darkness, hoping for a sign.

<Personal thoughts of Caer Estherian>

Brother, I have no idea what I’m doing. It’s strange to be completely cut off from the one thing that’s kept me going all my life and what I find the most overwhelming is the idea that I might not every see you again. That limbo feeling of knowing you’re alive out there somewhere but never seeing you or hearing your voice again. I can barely sleep and when I do the dreams I have usually wake me in a cold sweat and trembling. Tom does what he can to distract me and soothe me, but it’s not the same. You were really the only person who could take my nightmares away and now I’m stuck in one where I can’t reach you.

Lost in the darkness, hoping for a sign
Instead there is only silence can’t you hear my screams?
Never stop hoping, need to know where you are
But one thing is for sure you’re always in my heart

I’ll find you somewhere
I’ll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever has happened
The truth will free my soul

I don’t feel like a leader anymore. I don’t even feel like much of a person these days, the feeling of being disconnected and unfeeling even in the most passionate of moments leaves me feeling empty. It’s hard enough trying to figure out how to get everyone through their day without thinking about how I’m going to get through mine;  and I know I can’t say a damn word to anyone about any of it. So many questions and I can’t ask any of them because they’re the same questions the others are asking me. Where do we go? Who do we talk to? What decisions do we make and are they the right ones?

I heard you tonight, brother and my hope soared so high. I wanted to babble to you everything. I wanted to feel that connection for a few seconds longer; I tried to tell you I loved you but I don’t think you heard me Raiyden, I think the link faded; it almost felt like a part of me had faded with you as well. Miraluka cannot cry, not like Humans but I tried. Ashla knows I tried and I have never felt so hollow and bitter in my entire life.  The lump in my throat refuses to leave me and it takes every ounce of effort to face the others every time I have to.

Lost in the darkness, try to find your way home
I want to embrace you and never let you go
Almost hope you’re in heaven so no one can hurt your soul
Living in agony ’cause I just do not know where you are

I’ll find you somewhere
I’ll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever has happened
The truth will free my soul

You gave me hope and it’s all I have to hold onto right now, it’s what keeps me upright and facing the hours as they drag out into days and the days drag out into weeks.

I pray. I pray a lot. It helps me I think to know that there’s something out there that’s listening, knowing that I need Them.  I can’t talk to anyone else about how I feel or what I think, I think they would label me insane. Everything I want to say and do would just pour out of me like so much blood on a battlefield.  Arten would likely think his master had finally lost her mind and he’s not ready, gods above he’s not ready for any of this. He nearly came uncorked when I ripped a womans mind apart.  I had no choice, brother. I had no other recourse than to do it the dirty way and I regret every second of it.

Our stupid sister, Lyrae’a is even trying to help you, Raiyden. I have no idea what her angle is or why but she’s trying to help us. I haven’t spoken to her yet and I’m not sure I’m ready to. I just don’t have that kind of energy to face that kind of animosity. She’s on Neirovs and Dymes ship while we’re here on Alderaan.

You said Nar Shaddaa brother. I pray that whatever we find there will save you. I have never been good with foresight but I can tell you if this lasts any longer I may head down a darker path that I or anyone else is prepared to tread. I skirt so much already that I am sure that the others do not approve of some of the things I have done for the sake of my family. I don’t think I can stay my hand towards the one who took you and Xaishen, Brother. I’m not sure if I can make sure this ‘Anubis’ stays alive long enough for him to utter a word of defiance. It’s not the Jedi or the Luka Sene way and I know and you would not want to see me do that, but I know whatever he is, whoever he is, he will pay for what he’s doing to you.

Wherever you are, I won’t stop searching
Whatever it takes, I need to know

I’ll find you somewhere
I’ll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever has happened
The truth will free my soul

 

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