In defense of our dreams.

<Personal journal entry of Caer Estherian.>

 

We’re finally off Alpeheridies, and as I write this I can be comfortable in the knowledge that I won’t have to see my family for some time. It’s not that I hate them, it’s that I’m uncomfortable with so many aspects of their lives. I think the things that made me the most uncomfortable was my parents discomfort and inability to do anything about us and their almost over bearing desire to make us feel welcome. It was kind of embarrassing at times to see them watch us and try to figure out something to say for the sake of conversation or to try and make us feel comfortable.

Raiyden wants to come back and work on fixing things. Some part of me just wants to shut it all away, forget they exist and move on with my life. I was happier when I didn’t know their names or that they had willingly sent us away only to retrieve us like trained puppies when the Order was done with us.

I guess I’m a little bitter by the fact that Raiydens life, my life has been put the grinder of a predetermined destiny that we have no control over. Even now we’re pushed to become things our parents want for us, not what we want for us. Even now we’re nudged here and there either by the Luka Sene or by our parents to become something they have envisioned for us. Nobody asked what we wished for ourselves, nobody bothered to speak to both of us and ask us what our desire was and how we saw ourselves.  Of course it doesn’t mean that we would get what we wished for, but to simply have been asked… that is something that can go farther than getting what we want. The courtesy, the kindness of at least an illusion of freedom of choice; the ability to say one way or another if we wanted such things for ourselves.

Nothing feels like salt in a wound more than knowing someone playing you like puppets and then apologizing for it when they realize that you weren’t happy about the discovery.

Sharise understands. She’s one of the few who I think I can genuinely feel comfortable around, saying what I want, how I want and not getting continually frowned at like I was the worlds greatest disappointment to come along since the Sacking of Courscant. Between Raiyden wincing every time I get a stormy look on my face and open my mouth and Arten  giving me the kicked puppy expression, Sharise has been a nice bright spot on this whole trip.  We worked out nearly every day and though it left me sore most nights, she gave me some pointers to keep my leg protected so it wouldn’t be exploited. We also drank a lot while practicing- she claimed it was so I would be able to combat in any condition and not have to rely on a clear mind to keep me alive. I think that’s what I love about her, is that she knows that we always can’t be in a state of clear mindedness, that we can be drugged or even poisoned. Alcohol was the closest we could come to mimicking those behaviors and she was pleased with my progress.  She suggested I get a mobile leg brace to keep my leg fairly well protected and slip it on under my legging. I think I might try it and see how I do and if anyone notices.  I got a nice dressing down from her for not keeping up on my practice. She was really pushing me to move back to Alpheridies and train full time, but I can’t do that until I’m comfortable with Arten facing his trials, and I will not abandon him until he either becomes  Knight, the Order decrees that I’m not fit for him as a master or one of us dies of old age.   Which at the rate things are going, we might be hitting the latter than the two former, but i have hope for him and will continue to work with him.

It’s funny to think that I didn’t like Sharise at first, her preferences for men and women bothered me and I had flat out refused to let her teach me when she hit on me.   Now she’s one of my best friends knowing what boundaries she cannot cross.

There’s something about same sex pairings that bothers me. I don’t like it and it seems unnatural to me. How can you love someone of your own gender sexually and be okay with it? It’s wrong somehow and I can’t put it into words that seems sufficient enough for anyone who asks me why I’m against such pairings. Maybe it’s because in my mind people are meant to behave a certain way. Maybe it’s because I see these people day in and day out with no decency of their own to speak of. I only tolerate Raiyden because he does have the decency to keep it quiet. Everyone else seems far too busy flaunting their sexual preferences like it was ticker tape in a parade.  I think what makes it worse for me is that these kinds of people feel that it’s necessary to foist it onto others as well as if I should be the way they are.

I don’t agree with it, I want nothing to do with it and if I had my way about it, I’d probably purge those who were this way. Just for a bit of quiet sanity that didn’t involve some woman jiggling her sexuality in my face. I still don’t regret punching that one woman in the face for hitting on me and then attempting to grab me. I’ll break her jaw next time.

I love my brother and I’d never let this slip past my teeth, but I wish he was straight sometimes. It’d make things a lot easier, but as long as he’s happy and as long as he has someone to care for him, I can’t deny that to him. It wouldn’t be fair to him or to me. He’s been there for me all this time, the least I can do is accept him for who he is and love him for being him.

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