Personal journal entry from Miralukaville.

<From the personal records of Caer Estherian>

 

Our stay here comes to a close and I find myself happier for it. This place doesn’t feel like home to me and I’m not sure it ever will. Maybe someday but right now it’s not home to me. I know it hurt those who are my parents, but I can’t change how I feel. It’s an uncomfortable situation for everyone and nobody is happy.

I think the only time I feel comfortable at all is when I’m with Sharise. She seems to be the only one here who has any comprehension of how uncomfortable I am here and while she doesn’t sympathize with me or allow me to wallow in my own self pity, she does keep me busy enough to forget where I am. She also understands me far more than most anyone who I live with.

One thing I have come to realize is that Arten is not ready for his trials. I had hoped he would be, but unless he’s going to miraculously surprise me with being a confident young man capable of wielding a saber and getting himself out of situations that are considered violent without blanching at the prospect of violence will I feel confident enough for him to take his trials; as it is he gets worried if violence might happen and that’s not how a Jedi should react at all. He fears violence and that is a deadly bad habit to have if one is going to be roaming the galaxy and helping those who cannot protect themselves. There are some situations you simply cannot talk others out of. I absolutely refuse to send a person out unprepared for all aspects of living as a Jedi and he’s simply not ready.

I’m going to have to work with Arten one on one. Watching Sharise with him yesterday was proof enough. He was afraid of embarrassing me and was more worried about what I thought over his own safety!  Sharise could have ripped him limb from limb and he’s worried about embarrassment!? Ludicrous. He should have been one hundred percent focused on the person attacking him, not chasing butterflies of emotion and insecurities.

This is a failing on my part, being concerned with my trip here over my padawans training and there’s nobody to blame for it but myself. I should be focused on him, not on what others think I should be focused on.  After these trips are over, I plan on focusing my attention on Arten fully. I can’t wait to get off this damn planet.

Nobody has spoken about Lyrae’a our long lost sister. I keep waiting for it, waiting to hear about her… but I think there’s really nothing more to discuss about her. We just have to seek her out, bring her back..and let the Sene order deal with her as they see fit.

I need to speak to Raiyden about this.

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