The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you’ve already figured out
Numb. That’s all she really felt, both inside and out. There was nothing right now that she felt as Tomuraan had coaxed her to his ship, got her out of the wet armoring and into a fresh set of borrowed clothing that was slightly too big for her. The Mirialan being a perfect gentleman, making sure she was comfortable and not pushed any further than she’d already been pushed today.
He’d coaxed some water and a bit of food into her before setting her to bed, his words inside her mind gentle and assuring. Everything about him was gentle and assuring and sometimes it confused her how he could be so placid in the maelstrom of her mind.
Now she lay in the bed, the Mirialan next to her sleeping, but lightly in case she needed anything. She sensed that if she were to move, he would wake. So she lay there, her cheek resting against a pillow, her hands curled to her chest, the eyeless face ‘staring’ into the darkness. Caer felt the strong arm around her side and she took comfort that in the darkness there was an anchor.
Caer had calmed down considerably, her rage and anger subsiding. They were still there, deep down, buried under the bodies mental and physical weariness.
All of this because of Raiyden. All of the rage and anger, the hurt and the sense of betrayal. All she had wanted him to do was see the idiocy of his attempt to reach out and appeal to Niataras sense of compassion. As far as Caer had ever seen of the woman, she had absolutely no compassion. What little she knew of the woman (and admittedly it was very little) the woman had no sense of compassion. She had only heard the one side of the conversation, had heard the name and had drawn her own conclusions.
As had everyone else around her that had over heard the conversation.
Caer hadn’t even had a chance to ask anything before Raiyden had seen the looks on her face and had told her not to even ask, that he wasn’t going to fight with her about it. Things had progressed from bad to worse steadily from there, the two exhcanging words while Neirov and Tomuraan did their best to do damage control.
It hadn’t worked.
I’m falling apart, I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart that’s still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I’m holdin’ on, I’m holdin’ on, I’m holdin’ on
I’m barely holdin’ on to you.
She had pointed out the idiocy of his actions or attempted actions, and he had claimed that he had no intention of meeting with anyone. Raiy had been very vague in that regard as to who he was meeting with. Everyone had just assumed Niatara. He’d not made any comment as to what his reasoning was or why, immediately jumping to the defensive. Caer had been all over that like a Gurrek on a hapless victim.
Raiyden had tried to walk away from it, thinking himself the victor of the spat; Caer had other plans. She had launched at him after chasing him down, plowing into him so hard that they both tumbled into the small creek that ran by the Padawan training grounds. The various people stopping and staring, catching the negative currents that ran around the twins like so much electricity. They had not interfered though, noticing Tom and Neirov being there.
Neirov had been the one to pull Caer off of Raiyden, if not Caer might have drowned the man. She didn’t want to think about it. Tom had helped Raiyden to his feet and had attempted to smooth things over, trying to pull them apart enough to cool down. Neither one of them were having that.
“You! You don’t even trust your own flesh and blood!” Raiys voice echoed in her ears even now.
“And you want to throw yourself into a situation you had no control over! You wanted to do what, exactly? Huh? Pander to someone who you can’t pander to?! For who? For what purpose? Some sense of being right?” Caers voice had cracked, sounding far too emotion filled for her liking.
Tom had tried extremely hard to calm them, to help them come to terms with exactly what they were feeling. Fear. Fear of losing each other, fear of losing what they all have. The fear of being replaced, the terror of thinking the next betrayal would come from within. Raiy and Caer were past that, past the wise words, past the calm and collected conversation that should be taking place. The twins were only focused on one thing and that was to see who could hurt who the most.
Even as she lay in the darkness of the ship and in the safety of the bed, her heart ached at the words that had been exchanged next.
“You were going to throw your life away for someone who’ s only goal in life is to see how many people they can hurt!” Caer’s words were spat out, even as she struggled against Neirov who held her with a vice like grip, pinning her arms to her sides.
Raiyden had leapt upon the chance to tear into her with everything he had, standing there in soaking robes in the middle of the creek he laid into her with the most hurtful things he could possibly conjure. “She deserves the same chance as anyone else and she has never done any harm to myself so how’s that goal working for you? Do you have something personal against every being I ever deign to call friend? Do you? It certain seems so. You tell me I’m stupid for risking my life for others, but you forget one important fact my dear sweet sister, I am a healer! By nature! I am meant to aid others. I have the compassion to do so! You can spit your caustic venom and swing your awesome saber bu tin the end I have to clean up the mess you leave behind! Tell me how wrong i am for extending a hand to Niatara? Wrong because YOU don’t trust her somehow means I should do the same. I have done nothing but reach out to you and you have done nothing but slap my hand away! Perhaps you have more in common with Hudgaar recently than you realize!”
The words had hit her with everything they had intended to and she had immediately gone numb from them. Too stunned, too hurt and too shattered emotionally to even respond. She had turned and ran. Caer, the woman who had never run from anything in her life not a fight, not a Sith and not even a horde of children. She had bolted and had ran until she’d come upon the cave far up in the hills of Tython. She’d pushed her way through the cave, listening to the dripping of water in distant dark corners. She sensed the Force all around her, swirling and touching her, trying to soothe the aching heart, the raw emotions and the rage that flowed through her. It helped further numb her, like a Novocaine for her soul.
Tomuraan had found her, of course. Through their link in the Force he had sought her out to make sure she was okay. Not Raiyden. Not Neirov. Tomuraan. Some part of her had not been surprised. Some part of her had resigned herself to the fact that things would never be the same again.
The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I’m an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they’re still looking for life
He had sat there silently for some time, recognizing she needed time to herself. Caer had really just wanted to be alone entirely. But she knew she’d never get him to leave if she wanted him to. It was hard enough to speak as it was, the words would not come to her tongue and the mental connection felt too sullied by her anger and rage to use without it bleeding through.
So he had sat there, the Mirialan not speaking for quite some time. When he had spoken he spoke of the first night they’d talked. Seeing her in the outfit she’d worn, a white one with a bit of a cape that the Jedi always seemed to favor (Caer never understood why, capes were stupid in her not so humble opinion). He’d been glad to see her, glad to speak with her again and had always looked forward to talking to her since that time. Tom had sighed heavily as he’d realized she didn’t seem to either be listening, or didn’t respond.
I’m hangin’ on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I’m hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK
“It’s never easy, not seeming to be understood. Feeling like your words are falling on deaf ears. That others don’t realize what you’re trying to tel them. Sometimes people don’t listen to us at first. Or they don’t like what we have to say. Doesn’t mean that they don’t want to, it just means something is keeping them from wanting to admit something. it’s hardest with ones we love because all we want to do is to protect them and keep them safe. Master Tioh once told me, though, that people aren’t things to be put away in storage. That as much as we might want to, we have to understand they have to walk around too.” He had sighed heavily, though his words were soft, the man obviously trying his best to reach through to her common sense. “Raiyden knows this too he just doesn’t know how to deal wiht it. He’s used ot how things were, where they were a few months ago. Not where they are now. Changes scare people more than anything else in the galaxy.”
Caer had not said a word. There was nothing for her to say; whether he was right or wrong, it didn’t matter at that moment. She was still trying to sort out all the wrong that felt like had happened.
He had opened up his mind to her, that link that they had shared for so long; since her return from her forced vacation. The link opening more and more, until there was nothing left locked away. He touched her mind and he had spoken to her on a far deeper level than previous.
An admission. One that she would keep to herself, cling to it and try to understand. The emotion that had so long been unobtainable, kept on that shelf. Now brought out to be explored, looked over and tested. No, not tested. This emotion wasn’t a test of any sort. It was what it was. Nothing more or less. She understood that much. Even in her naivete, she comprehended just what he was offering her.
She had accepted that and had offered it in return.
Such a simple yet complex thing. A distraction from the ache she felt, the loss. Even as she fell into the troubled sleep- she knew the nightmares would be fantastic tonight, she still cradled herself into that new feeling that was now beyond a link and more of a bond than previous. She’d hold onto that.
The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven’t forgotten my way home
I’m falling apart, I’m barely breathing
with a broken heart that’s still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I’m holdin’ on I’m holdin’ on I’m holdin’ on
I’m barely holdin’ on to you