Caer’s hand pressed against the window of the ship, the cold of space seeping into her palm little by little making her fingers feel cold and tingly, making her wrist ache a little. It was a isolated sensation as opposed to the warmth her ship provided; if anything it felt too warm. Her reflection stared back at her, a somber face that was exhausted beyond comprehension, the somewhat drawn features of someone who worked too hard and didn’t quite eat enough. The lips pursed slightly, the expression of one under great stress.
Not that she could see her reflection. If she could even she would admit she looked tired beyond comprehension. Her body ached and her mind was numb from all the things that ran through it at light speed. The jumble of thoughts seeming to have no organization, not pattern to them. It was like hearing a room full of hyperactive padawans chattering all at once, and all the noise was funneled in her direction.
Caer’s hand slid down the window to eventually drop at her side. The scent of the ships air recycler seemed so sterile after the sweet smell of Voss. She loved how Voss smelled, the planet having such unique plants that made her feel as if she was someplace exotic. The local flowers, trees and grasses always making her feel like she was in some imaginary land. It smelled too good to be true.
The Miraluka wandered through her ship, restless despite the exhaustion she did feel. Her bare feet padding over the cold metal floor that was broken up with little throw rugs she’d picked up from her various travels to distant planets. The ships air system kicked on, cycling in cooler air causing her flesh to ripple into goose flesh, eliciting a small shudder form her slight form. One hand reached up to rub the opposite arm, the motion causing friction against her palm and the skin of her arm.
Her thoughts turned to the couple of things that were foremost on her mind; no matter how reluctant she was to think about it, the Miraluka found herself feeling discomfited by the emotions she felt. It was difficult to try and sort out the emotions she felt and locking them away seemed so pointless. The emotions were there and it seemed like they weren’t going away anytime soon.
Caer hadn’t realized she’d entered Neirovs room until she felt the stinging pain of her toe stubbing the base of the bed. Stifling back a swear word she hissed and sat down on the empty bed to massage her foot. She could still smell his unique smell in the room despite the fact he’d not been there in what felt like months. Maybe it had been that long, Caer just wasn’t sure anymore. How had she ended up in here? Had her mind subconsciously led her feet to take the path to his room? Why did her heart pound and ache?
He’d walked away from her. That was the truth of it; she had extended her hand to him and he had once again walked away from her, leaving her feeling stunned and hurt. The ache in her chest had almost been overwhelming as she stood there next to Tomuraan, with the smile fading from her face as his back faced her, slowly retreating to in the opposite direction.
She had hoped…
“You turned your back on tomorrow
Cause you forgot yesterday
I gave you my love to borrow
But you just gave it away.
You can’t expect me to be fine
I don’t expect you to care
I know I’ve said it before
But all of your bridges burned down.
I’ve wasted my nights you turned out the lights
now I’m paralyzed still stuck in that time when I
called it love. But even the sun sets in paradise.”
“Hope what? You stupid stupid girl.” She spoke to herself as she sat there on the edge of the bed, her hands folding in her lap and even as they curled into fists there was no strength left in them to make a proper fist. She felt so…defeated.
Caer had tried. So many times to reach out to him, to give him every opportunity to reach back. Even back in the days when they had traveled as a trio, she had reached out to him, encouraged him and had tried to instill a sense of good in him. She and her brother both had tried and even more recently she had thought…
“Swish, what a shame could have got picked
had a really good game but you missed your last shot.”
“Thought… that I was finally getting through to him.” Caers voice sounded so small and flat. It hurt her to realize that she had been no closer to reaching him now than she had been months or even years ago. That was the gut punch of the evening was realizing that he didn’t care to be helped. Didn’t want it as much as Raiyden had said.
Was that why she’d gone with Amaare? Why she’d stayed with him? Amaare spoke to her, not at her. He laughed with her and not at her. Amaare could speak to her and leave enough silence for her to respond, hanging onto her words until she was done. It didn’t matter what she spoke of, his attention was always there. He teased her of course, he flirted with her endlessly; but there was more than that. Much more. He could make her smile with a few words, give her a sense of purpose.
Amaare told her he loved her.
It had been a mistake on his part and he’d begged her to forget it. Perhaps the heat of the conversation that they’d shared and Caer wasn’t so much of an innocent to realize that emotions made people say some pretty interesting things. She had smiled sadly at the large Soccorroan man and told him that she couldn’t forget it. Her heart and mind wouldn’t let her. He knew that she didn’t feel the same way, but he was willing to wait, willing to help her.
She had asked Amaare what he expected, he hadn’t quite answered, but he had held her. She’d never been held by anyone like that. The mans larger body curled up around her protectively as he slept. It had felt nice to be protected for once and not the one protecting. She had heard of his reputation, she had heard of how he had used his body, his charisma and his connections to get what he wanted; she had heard it from him directly.
Shoving herself to her feet she moved to the door and stood there, her shadow falling over the long empty bed, her head down, hair falling into her face. The woman’s powerful shoulders slumped as she moved a couple steps forward, then with a wave of her hand, she summoned the force to flow through her, using it to shut the door to Neirovs room.
“I’m sorry Neirov. I can’t keep trying and getting pushed away. I’m sorry for failing you, I’m sorry for not being what you wanted. But I have others to think about; so many who need me more, so many more who won’t turn me away. I hope that you find what you want on whatever road you travel.” Her voice echoed through the empty hallway of her ship.
She had failed him and it crushed her spirit more than anything a Sith could ever do.
Straightening up she squared her shoulders and inhaled through her nose deeply. She swallowed down the emotions that threatened to overwhelm her, using those decades long training to help her. That emotional mask in place, she made her way back to her room, crawling into her bed and laying deep into the night, trying not to think about what she might have just lost.