When you came back I knew you’d have a story.
You need someone to ease the pain of living life.
You’re like a soldier in the fray, seeking shelter
from all the madness that you’ve seen raining down now.
I know things change, your world has slipped away.
I know things change, but you’re living like a soldier
who’s caught in the fray.
Don’t lose your faith,
it’s not so cold,
it’s not too late.
Caer sat inside the thermal tent and listened to the wind howl around her like an angry goddess wailing her promises of retribution for all the wrongs done to her. It was such a violent and mournful sound, as if the weather carried emotions. Perhaps it did, perhaps it carried all the sorrow and pain of this planet, this cold ball of ice that at the very heart of things was nothing more than an eternal winter.
Shivering she huddled in her thermal bag that kept her warm in this frozen hell. She heard the sound of Taun Tauns in the distance making their gargling braying sounds as they tried to huddle together, protect each other from the predators of the planet of Hoth.It had been an exhausting day, past few days really. The Imperials kept pushing forward, the cold was draining and the soldiers moods were very dispiriting. Most were convinced they were going to die and all were pretty convinced that they were going to freeze.It made her heart ache to hear young men talk about never getting married, never having families or seeing the families they did have again. She did her best to cheer them, to give them words of encouragement without giving promises that she knew she could not keep. Many were cheered, but she knew she couldn’t cheer them all. Her thoughts turned to a rather dour man who had died in the last firefight. She had tried to cheer him, console him after he’d lost his friend the day before, and part of her had wondered if he had chosen to end his life there in the snow today instead of choosing to fight on.
No, she couldn’t think about things like that. He had died fighting and that was what she wanted to remember.
Caer couldn’t blame her restlessness and sour mood on the death of one man. It wasn’t his fault and her mood had been somewhat on the bad side for a couple days.Her brother, Raiyden had tried cheering her up and it had worked for a while, but now she was brooding and she knew it. Not very Jedi like, but it was something that she had to deal with. The howling snow, the soul draining cold, she could understand why everyone was so grumpy.
No, her mood was because of Neirov. She couldn’t help it really, but Caer was upset at him, disappointed. It seemed each day that this war dragged on, it was an eternal battle to understand him. Caer felt as if she were fighting two wars- the Republics and her own personal war.
Caer was determined to bring him back. To bring Neirov back from that dark place he seemed to be living in. It made her heart ache to know that she could possibly lose him to the dark side, to possibly have to face him down. It made her stomach churn at the thought of possibly killing him for his own good. Or worse, he killing her or Raiyden. It was the last thing she wanted to do.
She had dreamed about it, had seen in her mind the whipping snow, heard the snap of cloth being tugged violently in the wind, the hungry hums of the light sabers they held. She had dreamed that bodies were battered, bones were broken, hearts beat rapidly in chests, breath came in ragged and pained gasps. She had seen his expression of pure rage, hatred and betrayal on his face. Each line on his face etched in darkness, hatred emanating off his green skin like blasts of force fueled heat. She felt her own fear, her own determination and her own resolve waver as she used her own gifts to stare into his face.
The dream had ended with them both falling. Metaphorically and physically, tumbling through a chasm of jagged ice and rock. She hadn’t told her brother about the dream, nor would she. She sensed her brothers dislike for their companion, and she didn’t want to further fuel that dislike. It wasn’t something she was comfortable sharing with her brother, something she felt that would cause more problems than solve.
Perhaps…there was some benefit in going separate ways. Caer did not want to see Neirov go, they had been through much as a trio, they had been placed as a group to work through things because when they had begun, the council had felt their group dynamic was best suited for front line work. Caer’s ability with a saber was nothing to be scoffed at, Raiydens ability for diplomacy and his talents to heal injuries was one of the reasons why Caer and Raiy worked so well together; Neirov had been placed with them because of his zealousness and ability with a light saber. They were the ones that were called in for last resort work when negotiations had failed and fighting was necessary. They had started out well, Caer could remember meeting Neirov at the temple and being taken by his smile and polite demeanor. She could recall their earlier missions where they would do their work with little to no arguing.
Now… now it seemed that’s all they did. Question his dedication, question each others attitudes. That was not the Jedi way. It was not the peaceful well oiled machine they had once been. Now gears grinded, tempers flared, arguments happened in the middle of fights. If another Jedi had seen them, they’d have been admonished for their behavior.
Caer privately admonished their behavior. It was not like them and it upset her to fight with them. Upset her to see her brother rankled by Neirov, Neirov flouting his dislike of their choices. Caer did not like how Neirov would go out of his way to push people verbally, physically.
Sighing heavily she put her face in her hands, feeling the soft contours of her face, her cheeks, nose and lips. She had put aside the eye wraps that she wore to keep from shocking or upsetting those who were not used to seeing her species without them. The skin that was normally wrapped felt soft and smooth as opposed to the rest of her face that felt chapped, sore and rough.
Much like her heart right now. It felt rough, dry and chapped.
Shaking off her ill feelings, the feelings of foreboding and the emotions, she crawled deeper into her sleeping bag and lay down. Perhaps tomorrow, perhaps things would be better, things would look brighter. Perhaps tomorrow they would realize that things were not as dark as they seemed and they could continue on.
Hope, that’s all anyone needed.